Unsent Messages

ok i love you. i love you so much and it scares me. i don’t deserve it at least i don’t think i don’t deserve it, when i was a kid i always thought that the first guy i loved would love me too and that he would make happy, ofc he would break my heart bc he would be the first guy i loved but w you, w you it’s only the getting heartbroken part, you never made me happy, you never loved me back ,you didn’t even gave me a chance ,you didn’t even thought about it for a second you just keep broking my heart over and over again so why am i still here, why am i waiting for, i know you won’t give me a chance so why can’t i move on. there’s something about you idk what it is but it makes me still here but i have no idea what it is bc i hate you ofc it’s nothing compared to the way i love you but i hate you. i hate you for making me love you , for never thinking about giving me a chance, for being the one i want to care about me, for being the one who can make me laugh even when i’m about to cry, for acting like you care, for making ME apologize for loving you and making you broke my heart but never apologizing for breaking my heart, for being so naïf like your only problem is that girls like you and that you have to broke their heart but do you even know what it’s like to be one of these girls specially when you don’t like but love you? bc it’s exhausting, loving you is exhausting, i have to act the whole day that i just see you as a friend i have to talk to you like a friend and act like your friends and wait to come home to be me be me again, to be the girl that loves you , to be the girl that cry herself every night to sleep, to be the girl who doesn’t feel loved, i hate you because you made me choose you above me bc you made me loose myself, i hate you for making me feel like i’m hard to love, i hate you for make me feel worthless like i’m not worth the time for you to try,i know you see me as a friend and you don’t want to ruin our friendship but what friendship? the friends where you go home and you forget about while i go home and start crying?, i hate you for acting like you care, one day you look at me and won’t stop asking me if i’m okay bc you’re making sure i’m okay and the other day you just ignore me and become the reason i’m not okay,i hate you for only texting me when you need something, i’ve been waiting for you to text in two weeks and the day you text me you ask for a homework that i wasn’t even doing but i helped you anyways and when i was done helping you you were so mean, i hate you for not knowing that words hurt so bad, i hate you for being the one who just looks in my eyes and can make me laugh. like man what is it about you that makes me love you? i cannot see it so why am i staying here why am i hurting myself why am i losing myself why am i choosing you above me again and again? why can’t i just leave or just see you as a friend? bc man i tried, i tried so much to see you as a friend and i failed every time but no matter what i do or what you do i always come back to you. and the worst part of it all is that you were never mine. i can’t say i miss you bcp you’ve never been mine. so i don’t give myself the right to admit that i’m rly heart broken bc there’s a lot of ppl out there that are heartbroken by someone who loved them back and i’m not in the same position as theirs so i can’t give me that right. but between you and my you really broke me,you fucked le up over and over again for more than a year now and yet i still can’t get over you. why? why can’t i get over you when literally all you did was broke my heart into fucking peaces. so since i can’t leave please tell me what i have to do to be enough?? bc everything i do seems to not be enough to you