Unsent Messages

today your color isn't yellow, as it usually is. i have no interest in sleeping when i know you won't be the first person i think of when i wake up. apparently all of this was for nothing, and i won't lie and say that im not upset. im so angry at you, so angry at myself, because you aren't as good as i thought you were and i'm just not good enough for you. i read everything all wrong and i've never felt more disappointed to be wrong about someone. i told my mom about you. i read what i wrote for you not even a week ago and its laughable, looking at the contrast between then and now. i couldn't tell you to your face, but i was about to. less than an hour before i found out that i'd made a mistake in my assumptions. i'd always hoped, you know. its been almost a year of me hoping. praying. and i know that some part of you knew. and still, some part of me still hopes. that harry was lying, and its me that you want, but we both know this isn't true. we're just friends, i could say, except i think i have to take a break from being your friend for a little while. not that you'd notice, because you never cared about me that way. i can't blame you for not being attracted to me, thats not fair of me to do. but i wish you knew how badly i wanted it. more than i've wanted anyone. i dont remember anymore how happy i was when i saw you not a month ago, and i dont remember killing myself inside because all i asked you about was her. i dont really remember anything, but i'm sure that it'll all come back to me. right now, im very uncharacteristically me. i liked to say that you made me more myself, and i guess I know now that it was true. i hope he was lying. i wish he was, but its obvious that he wasn't. you used to be my favorite person to talk about, all i ever talked about. now i dont think I could talk about you without a bitter sense of hurt washing over me. when I wake up I'll go back to being fine. surviving, not thriving. i wish I could call you after school as I usually do, but thats probably not the healthiest option for me right now. i feel fine, but i also want to be anything but awake. thats a dangerous feeling. i never should've given you this power over me, never. but I suppose it was worth it if I had something to look forward to for a while. suppose it was worth it if I finally had someone that made me happy. guess its just myself again. and again, I wish you and whoever she is nothing but the best, and I hope that she makes you very happy, because you deserve all the happiness. I think its time to find my own happiness, in someone that finally isn't you. you know, I started thinking of you instead of him. it was you, not him, and I never thought that would happen. i dont think I can talk to you again. I think I love you. but you'll never know, now will you?