Unsent Messages

you’re right. i didn’t think you’d check. it was a place for me to let out my emotions yk? i didn’t see your messages until way later. it’s hard not to be bitter. i learn more and more every day about lies and deception. and i didn’t think you’d check every day. maybe every month or so... i thought i was far out of your mind. not communicating is so hard colby. i miss you:( i wish i could show you the long letter i wrote and i wish we didn’t have to do this weird communication thing and i hope that you check it one more time to read this and i hope that you’re well and that she’s okay too. i worry about it a lot. i hope i can let you go soon. i do for a week and then something pulls me back in. there was a boy who liked me and i liked him but he started talking about his mental health so much and said things you used to say and it scared me so much and i had to stop talking to him. i see you everywhere. and i miss you but i know you aren’t good for me. every time i write about you i can’t stop. there is so much i have written about you. in poetry journals and notes and entries on here that i haven’t addressed in your name because i don’t want you seeing them. i cant even tell if you’ve moved on or not. you check this every day but you’re dating someone new... i don’t know colby. i don’t even know how you are right now. my identity slowly became you and now it’s not anything and so it’s really hard to shake you. i don’t know the new me yet. i don’t know if i will in a long time. but i’m getting better slowly, i just wish i had more to think about to fill the void. i wish i fell for people fast like you. i wish a lot of things and i wish i didn’t have this much to say and i wish this didn’t even scratch the surface. i just realized how much i wrote... i wonder if you have this much to say. i wonder if you truly think we’ll ever meet again or that was something we both said to soften the pain. i wonder if you yearn for me or just the ease of my forgiveness and well-being to release you from any guilt that rests deep down at the bottom of your gut. i wonder if you love me. i wonder if you hate me. and i wonder if you’ll even read this and i wonder if you think i’m crazy for writing this much. now i’m not too sure if i want you to check it again. i’m sorry for being angry. i wish i could feel it like a normal person. i just get so frustrated because i know how good we could have been if it didn’t get all fucked up yk?? most of the time when my messages get a quarter as long as this i don’t send them but i guess you aren’t checking anymore so i’m fine. you have a lot more self control than me. the only reason i ever block you or unfollow you is because seeing you makes moving on really hard. i want to let go colby. your message has helped me get closer to that, though. you’re right in what you said. this is weird and unhealthy and very typical of us to find a loophole like this. we’re bad at staying away from each other and always have been. we joked about being addicted but it really is an addiction. sorry for the long message. don’t think my messages on here are an accurate depiction of how i feel towards u. i write them when emotions run high. i’m sorry. i don’t want to hurt you, i swear.