Unsent Messages

Yeah this is to you, READ IT. Fuck I need to stop checking this website because I feel like I’m being shot every time I read the purple ones (those have to be yours, I just know it) even though I’m in a good place, I still feel just gutted when I hear the horrible things you say. I’m gonna be honest, I knew that things weren’t going to work for a while but I still clung on because I was scared of loosing you. I guess now I know that I didn’t loose you? I was kinda gaining myself back in a weird way. Even though we just tore each other apart, I was unable to let go of us and walk away. I think it’s honestly because I realized that I had feelings for you at some point, and that’s why I never left. Which, by the way, was a very very very recent discovery. I guess somewhere along the way you went from the person who made my heart so full like it was going to explode, to the one who made me feel physically sick every time I hung out with you, the one who I just felt empty around and drained. No matter what I tried, I was just sucked deeper and deeper but I still clung on even though you were hurting me so bad, because I never wanted to give up. I apologized for everything always, I avoided talking when I had an issue (except for that one time lol), I blamed myself for everything, and I literally begged for the bare minimum. (I know you did too) My own issues at the time were at its peak, and I never knew how to handle it, and it spilled over into how I treated people. That doesn’t make it okay though. I know I was way too clingy and I let my own anxious behaviors grow Into this huge mess that just drained everyone around. I guess I find it funny how you blame me for friends supposedly walking away. I’m not saying that you’re wrong, because You can’t tell me how your actions affected me, just like how I can’t do the same for you. But I do have to say, friends don’t just “leave” because of what one person says, there’s always much more behind it, their own personal experiences included. You’re so quick to blame everyone else, too quick to hold grudges and refuse to even hear someone else’s side that you are living in a world of them vs me. Now that’s just my view on it, take it leave it I don’t care. I’m not here to tell you your mistakes. But I am saying that it’s never a “fault” one way or another, and that at some point you need to own up to your actions as well. I let go of everything man, like, I had a whole mindset change and I feel happy and proud of where I am. What helped me get there was to accept and listen to what I was feeling, and to really just do inner work. Now this may sound cheesy and like I’m writing it to prove something, but I really recommend everyone do it, it helped me to learn about my own patterns and my worst parts about myself.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells (overdone phrase but it fits) all the time, and that there was always something that I was doing wrong, something that you were upset for. I doubted myself and my own side of this for the longest time because of that. Again, I’m not here to “call you out” or blame you, this is simply how I felt. I’m really appreciative of what we used to have, and how things were when things were alright . I learned genuinely so much about myself these last few months, and even though you had no part in it, thank you? You did it for yourself obviously, but walking away from this was the best thing that could’ve happened, genuinely. I don’t care I realize if you read this, you probably wrong or think it’s not for you. You can hate me, think I’m a shitty person, tell everyone how horrible I am, and I’ll be fine with that, truly. I know you think I’ve done that to you, but in reality I haven’t talked shit. Of course I have talked to one or two people, but never about how you’re “a shitty person” it’s always been about how it hurts to not have you in my life sometimes, and kinda how I’m happy it did happen, because were both better from it. I have no reason to focus on what you’ve done, that’s out of my control, so I’ve redirected that effort into myself.

I was toxic. You were toxic. (Ugh I hate using that word) Together we just amplified each others shit at time. Doesn’t make any of what we both did or said okay though. I think space was exactly what was best for both of us. But now I wonder, do I really want you back? Or am I thinking of what things might’ve been or could’ve been. I’m worried that if for some reason we were ever around eachother, that things would just go downhill. I don’t want to be around people who are full of hate anymore, I dont want to be that kinda person anymore. I got sick of my own bullshit this august-September and got my life together. I stopped letting myself treat myself this way.

People come and go in our lives for a reason, I used to laugh at that. But now I know it’s true? Genuinely? I know my personal values now. I know how to set boundaries and respect others, including my own. That is why I am never reaching out to you, or pursuing anything involving you again. If you ever want to yell at me, talk to me, for some god forsaken reason get “closure” (I tried forcing it before, never works) you are making the move. That said, I don’t want someone in my life who hates me as much as you do. I’m not saying that you’re wrong for feeling that, no not at all, but I don’t want to talk to you when your heart is so angry that you are blinded to everything else.

I used to cry everyday, I used to breakdown after hearing your name. I don’t anymore.

I was wondering, do you have that picture of us from the zoo? I still have it. Please don’t get rid of it, even if you hate me.