Unsent Messages

I don't know if it would've felt more relieving if I had contributed at all to the fallout, but I know I did everything good. I think that's the part that makes me feel like it's raining over my head. I had wanted you. I actually wanted you. Now, I'm disappointed to even hear that you could still be for me. I frown and reject the thought. I don't even care if you became everything I like in a person. I just wouldn't want you anymore. I saw someone say they had hoped that their person and they had worked out in another reality. I didn't even smile and that thought and take solace in it. I said to myself that I didn't even want that. I just don't think I would forgive you for how I was treated. It makes me angry to grit my teeth and tell the Universe I'm grateful it happened because it led me to have certain events that I probably wouldn't have experienced with your being there because I would've chosen to spend time with you instead. I want to be so angry at you. Last night I wrote your name and ripped the paper up and I just stared at the trash can with my hand, palm open, with the ripped pieces on top. I turned my hand slowly and let the pieces fall in and I don't know how to feel. I see the good that came out in having this experience play out like this so far, but I do wish I hadn't met you, unfortunately. I'm sorry. (I don't know if I mean that for you or for me).