Unsent Messages

I don't think I'll ever truly understand why you did what you did. I can remember telling all my friends "He's the nicest boy, he'll never do anything to hurt me." And yet you were the person who has hurt me most in my life. I've never felt so second best. I compare myself to her constantly, she is gorgeous and she is so different to me. Why would you pit me against her? I don't understand how you could lay in bed with me and tell me I was your favourite person, and that you've never felt like this for a girl before, and then drive to her house the next day. I feel physically sick when I think about the way I opened up to you. How could you watch me fall for you and know the entire time that you were going to end up hurting me so badly? You have made me feel so truly unloveable. I was your dirty little secret, hiding me away from your life at uni, but letting me believe you were telling everyone about me. Is there something so fundamentally unloveable about me that you felt ashamed of me? I have never felt so small in my life. How could someone who I thought so highly of, do something so cruel? You will never ever understand how much this has destroyed me. I am a different person now than I was before I knew you. There is a change in me and it makes me feel sick to know that you've had that effect on me. Your friends have told me about your bad ex. You are MY bad ex. I can't believe you could go through a relationship where you were treated badly, and come out the other side thinking 'yeah lets make someone else feel as bad as I felt'. You are sick in the head, your lies are so deep and so extreme and you held them up for a YEAR. No wonder you were so stressed all the time, you were leading a double life. I want to call you and scream at you and tell you every way you have hurt me, but you don't deserve to hear my voice. I have never been so hurt in all my life. I always thought you were going to be someone special in my life and instead you are a black hole that has destroyed any positive memories from the last year. I can't even eat fucking sushi without feeling physically ill because it reminds me of you. Fuck you, this is the most painful experience I've ever been through. I hope you think about me for the rest of your life, and realise what you gave up.