Unsent Messages

I want to know who the little birdies are that have been telling you that I say hurtful things or I feel anything but love for you even now. All the advice I have been given is to just move on or get with someone else and I shut it down everytime and have made it clear that you are still my person at least in my own heart. I know you dont hate me. yes I know you are happy with her. you were not the toxic one i was. yes i blamed everything on you or whoever else. I made things so hard I really did. I know. I wish I hadnt been so insecure that I was jealous of every goddamn thing you did , my head was so fucked up then I cant even figure myself out I dont know how you did so good with me. I wish I had valued the people in your life the way I do now , even though it feels like I shouldnt be allowed to at this point. I wouldnt say im depressed but it does hurt when I think about how you said you are glad that it turned out this way, or how much happier WE are now with our lives, jesse, im sure you are and im so so glad for you for it but the worst part about reaching this mental clarity about everything is realizing how awful I was, how better I am now , and worst of all how I cant fix any of it or have you here to maybe finally make you proud of me. so yes I suppose not being a psycho-bitch (lol) has its perks , but I am by no means happier without you in my life. I still think of you everyday, see things that I want to show you, forget at the gas station that I dont need to buy the almond hershey bars anymore , and I forget how much I loved how I could tell when you were close to home because I could hear your car engine over a mile away. theres nights all I want is to hear that damn car engine, or to rub your b***s for fucks sake. im trying to say I miss you. even when Im no longer a psycho im still a rambler