Unsent Messages

Idk why I still write these, ig it's a way to express what I feel to you without saying it directly to you, idk and idc, but just one kiss just one last hug one last final goodbye is what I've wanted, I still break down most nights when thinking about the memories, the way you used to look at me, all the weird nicknames and jokes and late night messages and calls especially the ones till 6 am, I just can't let it go, idk what I would do if I saw you rn, maybe freeze? Slap you? Kiss you? Idk hearing or reading your name gives me this anxiety or sadness and I try to avoid it but I still get reminded of you by the smallest things, someone told me "it's because of the amount of time you spent loving him that you still feel that way toward him" And yeah I fell for you twice as hard in 7 months and something in me still wants to give excuses for you and still wants to chase you but I know it hurts me more, and stop calling me if you aren't gonna tell me why you called, I get it if it's an accident and shit idk why you still have my number saved, might as well delete that shit. Cuz I hate seeing the picture I have on the profile but I can't bring myself to delete the number, I can't bring myself to throw the gifts or give them away, I can't bring myself to delete the pictures of you and I and the day we last saw each other, I'm a mess rn, I have a guy who won't stop asking for nudes and makes me feel bad for it but he has a gf and I won't give in but he seems bothered by that, it makes me feel like a slut, it's all guys care about. I mean look what you did to me, I still feel a guilt and regret for it and it's affecting me really bad at times,
Idk whether I'm getting better or worse sometimes. Lol I'm crying rn writing this, I still love you and I hate it, you didn't say anything you knew how hurt how broken I felt and you just stopped talking to me, made me realize you just don't give shit about me, but I still care about you and want you and I'm trying I really am, I'm trying to make myself fall or someone else I'm trying to forget you but I can't I could find someone who would love me and stick by my side but I still chose you idk why, i can't see you the same way tho, i used to see you as someone who wouldn't hurt me and you hurt me most than anyone. I can't get over you and I'm changing as time goes