Unsent Messages

you should never have answered my call. the call that started everything. the call i made at 11:30 just because i was bored and i wanted to get to know you and we talked until 3:30 and we didn't know anything. we didn't know what would happen and we were happy then. maybe you're happy now, but i'm sure not. i can't bear to read our texts anymore. they give me a stomachache. actually, everything that has to do with you gives me a stomachache.
please don't be worried about me and my mental health. to be honest, you were the cause of most of my anxiety and depression the last two weeks we were together. it wouldn't be so hard if you were just mad at me, if you hated me, hated everything about me. sure, it would still be painful, but it would distract me from the fact that you just stopped caring. i knew you did and i kept telling myself i was going to break up with you and i never did and you beat me to the punch in a TEXT. and in that TEXT conversation i asked if we could meet after school so i could break up with you.
it's unfair that i had to leave my spanish class because your stupid text came through. it's unfair that i took the hall pass to the bathroom and cried. it' s unfair that i needed someone so badly in that moment that i met up with my friend in the bathrooms and she hugged me and treated me better than you ever did in that single moment. it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR that you think guys lose feelings for their s/o in every relationship and it's unfair that you expected it to happen! it's unfair that you even asked me out knowing that, and it's so completely unfair that you broke up with me like that and blamed it on me when i know for a fact that i did nothing to cause it. but that's exactly what YOU did- nothing. you stopped texting, stopped calling, stopped telling me you missed me, stopped sending hearts, stopped making plans, stopped meeting up with me.
i don't think you'll ever know how bad it hurt me. it felt like a punch to the gut. and i couldn't fully process it when it happened, and i still can't. i can't fully realize that i don't have anyone to text anymore just for fun, i don't have anyone to talk to when i'm bored, i don't have anyone to sit and watch ride their stupid scooter at the skatepark, i don't have anyone to dress up for or put any effort into life anymore. oh and by the way, i think it's hilarious that you said i told you that you were the only reason i'm still alive. YOU DID NOTHING FOR ME.
and everyone else but me could see that.
i have so much to say to you, but no way to say it. i guess i'll just leave a note in your sweatshirt when i give it back. but a couple things before i go- I AM NOT YOUR EX. i am not clingy, attached, and i do not give you any negative attention unless it's absolutely necessary. i know i wasn't good enough, and i'm not sorry for that. because i am good enough, just not in your eyes. and the last thing i'm gonna say- i never should have told you i thought i loved you because i didn't. and you never should have said it back.
sincerely,
anisten