Unsent Messages

I remember the times when I thought you were the greatest father in the world. I remember anytime you would disappoint me, I would make up excuses for you. I used to blame my mother and think she was the problem because of all the things she would say about you. I made her the villain. As I got older and started to understand things and see them from a more mature standpoint, I started to realize that you were the clear villain in our story. You both had me young and I understand that there was growing to do for you and maturity that needed to happen. I just wish that maturity happened sooner. I do appreciate that you have come around but I wish I wasn't an option, I wish I was your #1 priority from the beginning. Sometimes I get jealous over my 4 year old sister because you are there.. you give her your attention and you provide for her and not just financially, but emotionally. I wish I had that from you. I wish you gave me that same emotional availability when I was young. I think about how if you had shown me a little more love that maybe I wouldn't be the way that I am. I feel so lost sometimes.. I will always have that feeling that I had when I was in elementary to early high school. "Why doesn't he want to build a relationship with me" Do you understand that I would blame myself for everything. I would say that you didn't want to be around me because of stupid things. But that early heartache has made my "love life" hell and I used to not like you for that. I am glad that I get to see you way more often and that you moved here. I appreciate that a ton!