i just read all the entries from that journal i told you about. they went on for almost exactly a year. i stopped a couple days after i found out about her. its a blank when i think about it now. it was worse than i told you. those months were bad. i have so much i still need to tell you and say to you and it all feels like too much sometimes. i felt like i was gonna throw up i was crying so hard when you texted me. my brother had to hold me for hours before i responded i was shaking so bad. every single song hurts now. i dont think you will ever understand the feelings i have for you, when i try to make sense of them sometimes i get so overwhelmed i have to stop. it feels like the deepest pit in my stomach and the warmest valley. it feels like summer rain and cold winter nights alone by my phone shivering waiting, for you, for a sign. it feels like songwriting with a feverish hunger. it feels like talking to everysingle person in my life about you so much that they begged me to stop. it feels like closeness but also immeasurable distance. it feels like every ounce of hurt and care in my body all in one direction, one that isnt close to here. It feels like confusion and headaches, it feels like staring at your name under the blocked section everyday. it feels like losing the ball in an important play because my mind is miles away. it feels like convincing myself of many things. it feels like wanting more for someone than you could ever want for yourself. it feels like looking at you and my breath still catching because despite what i tell myself or say to you, you feel like home and it really scares me. it scares me more than anything. it tastes like regret and tears. it tastes like hunger. it smells like playground woodchips as i sit alone watching the sunset after a long run where all i thought about was you. it smells like pizza in the restaurant i was in the last day of camp when my breath came unsteady as i realized i would never see you again. when my parents asked why i was acting like i never had before. it feels like falling asleep knowing you were on ft with her. it feels like betrayal and loyalty. it feels like early mornings and late nights with my head in my hands. and i dont think i will ever do this feeling justice, not with the most beautiful vocabulary in the world. this websites is for first loves and as impractical as it is, you are mine. i'm sorry. i'll apologize even when i'm gone.