Unsent Messages

hey loser
i don't know what im doing. and no i don't mean writing this, i mean i don't know what im doing still stuck in this hole. j says im in too deep (she knows it all) and i think she's right. but in a way i don't want to leave, i don't want to walk away. i think there's still a part of me that has some hope. you've had a really rough year and i think im using that as an excuse. im telling myself that i can't walk away because what if you need me? what if you need someone to distract you from everything? j tells me you have *her* and that makes sense to me, i know you have her. but i still wonder what if it was me? what if it was me that you told everything to? what if it was me that hugged you that night you found out while you probably cried yourself to sleep? i wanted to be there for you so badly but i had no idea how. and you've been so brave, i don't know how you do it. i don't want to be selfish, im really trying not to be. and i don't want to make you choose either. but i think that's cos a part of me knows you'll choose her. i don't blame you she's gorgeous. she got you through it all. i don't want to make you choose because if you choose her i don't know what ill do with myself. im scared of it honestly. that's why i keep playing this little game of ours. i don't want to lose you, i can't do it. i know i need to though. this isn't good for us. it's not what you need, and it's draining me. every time it gives me that tiny little bit of hope. you know me, that tiny little bit of hope is crushing. i know that us ending this will just make everyone's lives easier. but i just can't bring myself to do it. and i think it's starting to hurt now, it's killing me. i just want what's best for you and i think that it's her. she's what's best for you. i want you to be happy, and even though i think i can do that, i think she can do it better. so we need to stop playing now. i think i want to pull out. but im not 100% certain. just tell me there's something there, please. 'friends' dont talk to each other the way we do. 'friends' dont play the game we're playing. is there something there? or are you just trying to distract yourself? i need to know, but i don't know if i can handle the answer. you're killing me, but the only problem is im letting you.