Unsent Messages

I wish I didn't forgive you so quick. You caused me so much trauma and so many issues yet I still forgave you because I was dumb. You told me to never tell another soul about what happened and now we laugh it off like a joke. You never even told me why it happened. What you did to me triggered a huge depression within me and i've almost killed myself twice because of you. How ironic that is. You pushed it aside and said that it was because you were going through a rough time and just wanted to push me away. That is not an excuse. I think about what you did daily and I would never wish that upon my worst enemy. I wish I could talk about it with you now but it's been years since it happened and i'm afraid to lose you. Your one of the only two people who talk to me. You've made me so dependent on people and I'm afraid of being judged of everything I do. You "make fun" of me because it's "your sense of humor" but it's drilled in my brain. I think I'm dumb and a crybaby because of you. I think that everyone will leave me. You've turned me into a people pleaser. You've changed me for the worse and I'm so over it. God sometimes I wish we never talked after it happened. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off without being friends with you. I feared for my life everyday because of you. I was afraid of myself because I thought I would kill myself every night. I have old notes I've written just before I almost attempted. I've hurt myself because I thought I was never good enough. You made me hate myself. I thought your opinions mattered. They don't, your opinions about me don't matter. One day I will tell you what you've done to me. One day I will be brave enough to break out of your hold you have on me.