i actually think writing these here are good because while i know no one is going to see them im still getting all this shit out there so its like a cry for help except less dramatic and im not worrying anyone. i wish i could tell you a bunch of dumb shit. i still write you love letters, always have, always will. about everything i love about you like how you speak and your voice and so so much i could go on forever and trust me i do, i have a journal where i jsut write about you. i have this weird fantasy where i meet you and you decide you like me and then i can show you it and like. i dont know. prove that even when we were apart i loved you more than life and never stopped, i dont know it doesnt make sense i just want to be able to show you how much i love you and i dont think ill ever be able to, especially now. i miss you so goddamn bad. so bad. i hopeyoure doing okay i think about it all the time i wonder if you hear my name and your heart sinks or if you hear it and smile. i wonder if you need to talk to someone and you keep it in like you do or you let it out like you need to, i wonder if people ask you whats wrongyou tell them or if anyone asks at all. i miss you. i miss making sure you were okay even though i couldnt do much i just made it worse and you would leave the conversation anyways but i miss showing you that i cared, that someone cared truly with their whole heart because i did. i care so much i still do. always. i wish i could tell you that im always here for you. i leave my ringer on every night for you, volume 100. i dont even know if i would wake up but i do it just in case. i love you, and i miss you. ill always be here for you, even if i have to beg you to stay. if you come back. i know you'll be okay. you'll always be my pumpkin, my teddy bear, my love. i can never love someone how i love you. i miss you so much. so much. i hope youre okay, whatever youre doing, i want you to be happy. ill take all the sadness in the world if it meant you could be happy