Unsent Messages

I love you and I do really want to be with you, so bad. I want us to get married and have kids and die together, but I'm scared. I'm so scared, I don't want you to leave and I know that you tell me all the time that you won't but it's like these thoughts in my head that tell me that you're gonna leave anyway. And I try not to bring the past into things I really do but the past influences my feelings right now bc you said you said you wouldn't leave and you did and idk if I'm ever going to get over that. I'm scared to give you my all because I'm already so attached to you and if you leave I'm gonna have to live with that constant pain. I didn't want to tell you all this because I didn't want you to feel guilty but I want to be honest with you. It's like whenever I look at you all I can think of is you leaving. I choose you, I chose you from the beginning. There's nobody else, it's just that right now I'm not ready to be in a relationship, mentally, physically. Before I felt like no matter what you did I would always come back to you and you could cheat or leave and I would still want to date you, but now I feel different. It's not that I'm losing feelings or anything, I just feel different and I don't really know how to explain it. I need you to change. I want you to admit when you're wrong and try to solve problems and stop saying sorry but then continue to do the same thing. I want us to have a good stable relationship and not argue all the time. And I'm sorry to keep you waiting but I'm just not ready and idk when I'm going to be.