Unsent Messages

where do i start: with the simple, yet meaningful apology or the way i truly felt for you. i never felt like i was good enough for you- the perfect, sweet boy who was oh so sweet, so passionate. you made me feel so happy, and ill always cherish the gifts you got me even if we decided to break up and stay friends. i honestly can't tell you if what i felt was love for you as a friend or as a lover, but i feel as though part of me forced myself into a relationship with you so i wouldn't be alone. you would always respect my boundaries, and always asked for consent which would make my heart flutter. we lasted what, 7-8 months? i wish i could say throughout all those months that i felt as though you were the one, however that isn't the case.

you were so involved with our relationship in the beginning, it always felt as though you wanted nothing more then for me to be happy and comfortable with you even when i seemed hesitant. but, alas, things do change. i will never understand why midway through you suddenly seemed to stop caring. was i too boring? were you starting to question your feelings? thats the one thing about you that ill never understand. although i had never been in a relationship before, i knew that ignoring my texts, leaving me on read when i told you that i love you, and avoiding me wasn't what love was.

i never had it in me to break your heart like i knew you would to mine. i couldn't call it off, i was too scared that i was overreacting when the signs were clear. i should've communicated with you more, maybe then i would have told you how i don't feel comfortable being in a polygamous relationship and hearing about how you also love your other friends. maybe i could have told you that it made me uncomfortable hearing how you thought a celebrity was hot and that you would date them if you were single.

you would always tell them that you loved them, but you would never say the same to me at the end. i realize now that i was jealous how it seemed that you were more in a relationship with her then me. i know you were never comfortable calling, but why would you call her but never me? why would you string me along and pretend that you cared about me for so long when it was obvious you didn't?

all i can say is that i know i wasn't perfect then. i know that i didn't have a single clue as to what love was and that i relied mostly on you in the beginning to keep us from separating. sometimes i wonder if what we had was real, or if we were both just desperate teens wanting affection and seeking it through dating our best friend. im glad we are still friends, but sometimes it pains me knoeing how awkward it is when anybody brings up love. but i just want to say im sorry. maybe if i was better like them then you would have loved me.