Unsent Messages

It’s currently 4:26 am, and maybe if we both didn’t mess it up we’d be on the phone right now. I’d be telling you about the dumb details of my day as you lay with one hand behind you big ass head and the other on your chest. Instead I’m here crying and missing you for the millionth time since June, while your off falling in love with a girl named Gloria. Ever since you I can’t fall in love, even when there’s a perfect guy right in front of me. One who doesn’t sexualizare me every chance he gets, one who wasn’t in denial of meeting my parents, one who cares enough to help me through all me anxiety. That of which you never even bothered to notice or help me out of. I'm tired of laying here unable to sleep, crying wondering what if? What if i had put limits to your rush to do things. What if I had been smarter and done things in order and had put myself in a place where you respected me and sincerely loved me. Maybe it would have actually developed into that kind of consuming love I longed for. Where you wouldn’t have been afraid to take my name out of your bio or tell your mom about the amazing girl you had been so lucky to find. But no, instead I’m the one crying to my sister about a guy who didn’t fight for me when there’s a million else who would. So fuck you for fucking me up. Fuck you for having me questioning what’s so wrong about me, screw you for being a constant reminder that even though I could have caviar I’m not gonna stop craving the invaluable catfish. Screw you for saying you loved me and getting me to actually love you. Because now I can’t stop, and now I can’t move on. Every single fucking thing I do reminds me of you, which is crazy because I do a lot. And the thing is I didn’t even let you in, imagine if I had.