Unsent Messages

i think after all this time i can’t lead myself to believe that you feel the same about me when it’s so blatantly obvious that you don’t. i don’t know what it is with hope . it seems to be something positive but for me it just seems to hurt more and more you know? you see i know you’ll never look at this and i do know that but that little piece of hope it’s so overwhelming and i still think that fate would just mean you will. even if you do , you won’t know it’s from me. every notification. every time someone (who would have no reason to) says my name with exitedly .... i just hope it’s about you . it never is . you’ve never texted me before so why would you now . so stupid . i’m so stupid . how can i care about someone that i know so little about ? have i just filled in the blanks ?ive seen someone funny and decided they’re the only person who gets my humour . seen someone slightly shy and reflected my self onto them . i just feel like you notice things i notice too. i see so much and it’s so blatant - things people do or say ,i see straight through it all and understand their thought processes (or at least think i do) . apart from you - only you . i just don’t get you at all and that’s part of why i’ve liked you so long . i can’t figure you out lucas and i just want to . so bad . i don’t know why .
i’m in a bad place - really deep shit . i keep hoping you’ll notice , not that it would make a difference as you would never reach out to me. but i was talking to my friend about it sort of (writing in notes ,main points i didn’t want you do know in case you over heard . not about you btw as that would be too sus) and then she would sort of reassure me out loud and we’d talk about it . that was a bad day anyway . but then you turned around , just for a second and looked at me . dumb shit like that i just hold onto for hope lucas. not me changing the topic for hope again ffs . i think i just need something in my life to change for the better and some of it just can’t ya know . some of its inevitable but if there’s the slightest bit of hope in you ever liking me back i will latch onto that .i’m sorry ? apologising for that seems wrong but also it’s a lot of pressure i guess . no pressure seriously, one day i’ll be ok - i know it, with or without someone else (preferably with , of course) but until then . ahhh you aren’t gonna read it i’m just gonna say it ; the night we hung out was such a good time and i know you were ‘drunk’ (mmm questionable whether you were really as drunk as you made out to be) but i don’t know it hurts me to think if you’ve even thought about it since it happened and it was just like nothing to you and hurts me more to think you might think back and regret it (nothing happened so i don’t know what you’d regret besides spending time with me ... ffs if you regret spending time with me that’s shitty) but yeh it just seemed like you didn’t want to leave i mean your friend was practically begging and if i know you even slightly i just feel like ur the sort of person to call it a night and go home but you didn’t ... you just stayed with me ?probably because it was only you and me talking and the other two were off somewhere else and maybe you just stayed because you felt bad , either way i was glad you did . was being the main word because SHIT the amount of debating and overthinking i’ve done based off of that night hurts . 5months later still just fucking hurt over it cause after that night you never really spoke to me again and it’s not as though i didn’t reach out. i mean now i think about it it’s obvious - you realised i liked you and felt bad leading me on anymore so you just pissed off and you haven’t had the opportunity to turn me down properly as i refuse to say anything about my feelings and you can’t just assume i like you . wow uhhh. and when i was upset you probably turned round and felt bad as you know that it’s partially about you but again, you can’t assume . jesus christ i’m either a genius or overthinking (or both ) and with that fucking revelation of sorts i’m done writing this .... bye lmao