Unsent Messages

I don’t hate you but I don’t know if I feel anything positive related to you either. I’m weirdly indifferent if that makes any sense. I used to be heartbroken for a bit, but I’m so much better now. When everything fell to shit and you ended things, I was devastated, I was convincing myself that I was fine, but now I think that I really am. It’s like waves man, sometimes it’s terribly low, others I feel fantastic. Recently I've been feeling great more times than not. But it has nothing to do with you. I’ve started a process of healing and growth, I’ve come to accept and admit my shortcomings and unhealthy patterns, I’m fixing them, and I’m becoming a person that I’m proud of. In a cliche way, I feel like I can breathe, I’ve cut out a lot of negativity in my life, and I’m learning more about who I am every day. I don’t want to be the person that I was before, I hated how I felt about myself and how I had little control over my own issues and let them affect others. But now I’ve worked through a lot of major issues, I’ve healed many things from my past, and I’m genuinely happy and I love it.

Personally, I don’t give a damn whether you hate me or not, it’s justified, but regardless it’s out of my mind. I’m learning to genuinely love myself and others, I’m setting boundaries that I didn’t have before, so that I don’t let people walk all over me. I’ve come to terms with a lot of stuff that happened to me as a kid, and how it affects me now, and what to do about it. (Also, I heard you say shit about me lying about all of that. All I can say really is that I Never was. I could try to convince you, but I don’t owe that to you nor do I need you to “believe me” fuck off with that)

I now know why I acted they way I did. I never realized how anxious I was all the time, how afraid I was that everyone secretly hated me, or was going to leave. After talking to professionals, we had a lot of interesting things come to light, but in particular my history of anxious attachment. Basically that means that I would always seek out validation and affirmation that my relationships with people were actually real, that they cared, and constantly was afraid that everyone would eventually leave me. I was also made aware of my habits with unhealthy and damaging relationships. Even though I was miserable, I was never able to speak up and explain when something seriously hurt me, because I didn’t want them to hate me. I would always take blame no matter what, and I was really paranoid. Which is why when it came down to you saying enough is enough, I was upset, even though I knew this had been coming for many months. I kinda wish I were the one to end things just so that for once I could feel a semblance of control, but I know I never could’ve in that mental state, so in a way it was a very wonderful thing that it was you. Also, you should’ve been more clear with how you ended things. It was all on your terms, you made it clear but not clear enough what you wanted, and I wish you could’ve done that better. “We vibe but we don’t vibe as often” that was dumb. Tell me straight up whether you want to talk in the future or not. I didn’t understand that was a nice way of letting things go, so I tried for like a week until I just was done. If you ever want to talk to me, you are young to have to reach out, because it was /you/ who ended things. I think that’s only fair. But to be honest I doubt there would even be a point. It’s weird, you’re like a stranger that I know so much about. I doubt things right now could feel anything but just weird.

In general, we both deserved better than that whole last year. I was at the tipping point for a whole personality change and serious changes, and I think you were the tipping point, which in a way sucks, because you inadvertently are connected to my progress.

I spent a lot of time placing my worth into others opinions of me, but now I am overcoming that very nicely.

I don’t think I have anything to say to you. I’ve never been mad, at myself? Maybe, but not you. I don’t know if I miss you though. I think I used to, but I miss the good Memories and shit, not the empty feeling where I’m gutted every time I would see you. I felt like a shell of myself and eveything was forced between us for a long time, we both know that. I don’t think it really was either of our faults in that aspect, I think we just outgrew eachother, We really just didn’t work anymore like we used to. Even though that hurts to think about. But not eveything is permanent, in fact nothing is, which is why thats okay. I can be upset for all the relationships I’ve ever lost, or I can appreciate what I had in them and what I’ve gained from them. I’m at peace, I’ve let everything go. I think one of my best signs of progress was not only seriously accepting and working on my issues, but also realizing how seriously hurt I felt by what you did so so many times. That helped me move on because I blamed myself for a lot of things, but I no longer do that. It was 100% both of us, even if we wouldn’t want to admit it.

This all feels a bit cold and harsh now that I’m reading it, but it’s really not that t all. I really did care so much about you, you were someone I thought would be around forever, and I loved you like a sister. I don’t know how I feel now, it’s just kinda grey, which makes no sense I know, I just know that I have never had a grudge, and that I hope you do well in life. Wow this is dramatic lmao. Honestly if you ever needed me in the future I’d still probably be there.


I don’t want to ever write another of these, because I owe it to myself to make changes for me, and I guess I am just using this to bounce ideas off of.

Damn, this was wild. If anyone’s reading this, that’s on you, because this was hella long