the soulmate that wasn't meant to be in this life

we hurt each other far too much, I see that now. far too much. I hurt you, I didn't always answer your calls and texts as I played with others

I didn't see your family enough, despite all the effort you put in with mine

I knew your triggers and yet I continued to make the same mistakes. I overreacted. god I remember spam calling you up to 30 times a night when you just wouldn't pick up the damn phone due to my actions :(

I remember as you saw me into my eating disorder and back out of it
as you watched me spiral into self harm and then back out of it
but I couldn't do the same for you, could I? I just sit here and think about all we could have been, all the bakeries in France I wanted us to visit. you know I was saving up for that, yeah? once our exams were over I wanted to take you to France for a week or so, somewhere in a cottage. maybe one day we can go with our partners as friends? probably not. but id like to think so

I think of all the words I sewed into your mind in the form of promises, god if only you knew how long ive spent doing a chat search of 'forever' and 'I promise' while I sob my eyes out for how much I promised you but failed to give. I know we weren't healthy now, not in the slightest. Maybe one day we could've been but I don't think you or I were able to reach there anytime soon. It just hurt me so much to see how I hurt you. like that one time we had the dogs, and you went and slept on the sofa, and I came and woke you up and just with your sleepy eyes you looked at me with so much anger and sadness. I went to bed that night sobbing but I woke up to you pressed against me

looking back, I don't know If I would have preferred to know that was our last kiss or not. I really don't. in a way I do, so I could have made sure it was better and deeper and longer (without lolabear pulling me back up the platform((god I miss Lola, brb crying bc of how much I miss her)) but also im glad I didn't know in a way. I think, if I did, I wouldn't of been able to let you go

we never finished that Roblox Parkour game, the one where we'd play and it would turn into deep ass talks about everything and anything.

nobody else will ever call me sunshine, and I hope nobody calls you angel, for a while at least (even if that is selfish of me) the double tap will never be used in other relationships I may have as it was ours. and I hope that you look back on our relationship in a golden haze, as I do.

you know who