Unsent Messages

i miss you so much. i don’t understand how a person can exist one day and then just as suddenly... not. i remember all of our conversations in high school about how you were going to grow up and make a woman so happy, and it pains me to know i’ll never get to see that happen. i wish i had accepted your spam request. i wish i had seen those posts while you were still writing them and told you how much you mattered to me. i wish i hadn’t distanced myself from our friendship after the eddie thing, but you were his friend first and i felt like i was protecting you from feeling stuck, like you were with the whole alex situation. you were one of the best men i ever knew- i wish i had told you that. i wish i could hug you. i wish i could talk to you, not a stone on top of a box that used to be you. i wish i never knew what this kind of pain was like. i miss you so much and i think i will forever. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to be okay on the second of the month, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to see the american flag the same way. i love you, g. i hope paradise is being good to you.