Unsent Messages

I know that i told i was ok with you talking about the guy that you had been hooking up with, that i didn’t care anymore and that it didn’t bother me. I lied. With every word you said something inside of me would break, I couldn’t take it facing reality was too hard for me. Why were you kissing someone else after all those years of telling me that you loved me too? Why am I the only one that seems to be still struggling?Were all the things you said to me a lie? Were you just using me all this time? Tbh I’am too scared to know the truth, because if I do idk what would happen to me. I don’t want to lose you, but even though we are still friends I am hurting in secret not wanting to burden you with my feelings. I am a fucking coward. I know that I should just come clean about still having feelings for you and crying because everything changed between us, but if I do it would just ruin the friendship that we have now. So i got used to feeling hurt, i got used to knowing that you don’t feel the same way, as long as we’re still friends i’ll be fine because i’ll still be able to hear your voice and make you laugh. Being gay sucks.