Unsent Messages

i need to make this decision about whether to move out of the state. out of naive hope, i imagine me staying and us reconciling, but the pessimistic adult in me is telling me that is not going to happen, you've moved on, and you're going to keep moving on without looking back. my heart sinks at the thought of us never talking again. i'd like to believe we really were made for each other. i can't shake that feeling. i can't stop reliving that first night when i met you. i literally have never felt that way meeting another person in my life. maybe our leaves will bump into each other again down the river? divine timing?
i know it's not normal to feel this distraught. i know it's not normal to feel like my world is crashing and burning. i know it's not normal to feel like your departure reflects terrible things about me or my past. but i'm not normal. the past month has been the most difficult month i've ever gone through. your absence has left a gaping hole in my chest and the vibrance of life has dulled immensely. Recently, things have gotten better though, slowly, but surely. i'm able to leave my bed and function on a basic level but i'm still trying to find myself. i still spend too much of the day wondering what you're doing, if you're okay, if you're excited about turning 25. i wonder what you think of me. i wonder if you regret meeting me. i wonder if you're doing better off. i wonder if you miss me.
i know there's no point to the wondering. i am truly exhausted from looking for ways to silence the voices. i find it easier to just let them talk over each other now.
i can't tell if this is making me stronger or if it's pushing me deeper into the earth. i don't think i ever truly lived for myself and this has forced me to. i know i should be grateful. i know i should be jumping at this chance to learn to love myself and grow up out of that hurt teenage girl. and i am grateful because i know ultimately you were taking care of our mental healths. i just feel this loss so strongly that it's blinding me from seeing much else. i'm having trouble seeing the future or how to get there. i'm having trouble releasing and letting go and surrendering. i'm sorry for getting so irrationally attached to you and taking so much of your energy and time. thank you for inspiring me, thank you for making me feel light as a feather after 8 years of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. take care of yourself. i love you leo