Unsent Messages

hey zach, it's just me here telling you everything that one day i thought i would be saying to your face. maybe as we ride in the car while you wear your stupid harry potter glasses that always make me laugh, or going on an adventure - like the one i pictured in my head the entire period in maths after your friends told me you thought i was cute. before that time, i had never seen you like that really, except for ball games when we had a bit of banter and i thought you were kinda funny, and you were looking at me more then the other girls. of course i didn't think much of it at the time, but now i wonder if that's when you first felt interest in me. i guess i'll never know. because you, after three months, after getting me to really like you, to get excited at your notifications, to literally spend so much fucking money on a new outfit to spend the day with you and your friends, ended it. you ended us before you even gave it a chance. so, i had saved a bunch of things i wanted to tell you when we started dating, but i guess i'll just let strangers read it instead. i wanted to make fun of you for literally getting your friends to come over to me when you didn't have the balls, the fact that you got me invited to a party and literally all you said to me all night was 'do you want your drink now', your glasses, the fact that you swam away from me at the beach??, the fact that you play pokemon go still, the fact that you never made the first move even though you wanted to. but now i can't. so many things have to be left unsaid. it's stupid but i'm still holding out hope that you will come back to me, even though i've been crying over you for like 3 days and i told my mum and friends about you. but, i'm writing this in case that never happens. if we got the chance to have a proper talk at the beach i wanted to tell you that i am so sorry about what happened to your dad. nobody should have to go through that. but it makes you one of the strongest people i know. you were always so sweet and i never felt pressured to do anything with you. i loved seeing your smile when you saw me, and that one time we just walked around and waited for our parents to pick us up. fuck i really thought we were going to date. and have one of those relationships where it's just so unexpected but it just works. thank you for being vulnerable with me, and letting me into your life for that short time. your such an amazing guy, i wish you nothing but pure happiness in life. after all you've gone through, you deserve it. it's funny though, how i thought you would be my first kiss, first date, first boyfriend- instead you were my first heartbreak. i hope you understand that i don't know if i will ever be able to be just friends with you, you hurt me too much. it's not your fault, but you did. i don't regret the past couple months, but it's just funny how you started and ended things. zach, i miss you. i will tell my kids about how you broke my heart first, before anyone else could. also i hope you like the colour i chose, it's because i know you like pastels. it wasn't love, but i thought that was what it would turn into. you mean so much to me. i can't believe you're gone. i'm sorry i didn't meet your expectations.