Unsent Messages

i dont know how or why it happened because it's not like me but i can't get over you. i've liked you for months now but have been unable to say a word about it because i know you don't feel the same and i know you hate me for being so terrible to you. truth be told i hate the way i feel about you. i hate how it feels to be so in love with you knowing that there is absolutely no way anything would ever happen or work between us. and because i hate it, i feel angry. not at you but at myself; im frustrated, i don't know why i cant move on and get over you. and because of this, i push you away i find reasons to make you hate me because maybe if you hate me then i can finally move on. maybe then i'll realize that there is nothing salvageable and no point to continue holding on to the delusional hope that i have. but despite all this, i still find myself wishing you talked to me the way you used to. when you would tell me how excited my presence made you feel. but now i know something's changed because that energy isn't there anymore and i dont blame you. i'm no longer your favorite person to talk to even though you will always be mine. i've ruined everything and i'm sorry for the ways i hurt you. i hope one day i can redeem myself and you can see me the same way you did at the beginning because i'd do anything to be that girl for you again.