Unsent Messages

I was so blinded by love that I didn’t see how toxic and manipulative you were. Now I know and sometimes I can’t stop myself from going back to the happy memories. Us dancing in the basement, you singing songs to me, staring in to your eyes. And when I found out about her, I felt so hurt. I knew when I heard about her that’d you’d never mentioned her, and you told me you barely knew her, yet you FaceTimed nightly. You fell asleep on FaceTime with her after talking to me. You told me you loved me, but you don’t restrict the friends of someone you love. You don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends, you don’t use your mental illness and prey on their empathy to get what you need to feel valid. That isn’t love. I was healthy and ready for a relationship, and now I feel broken and traumatized. How can you not see how badly you had hurt me? How could you not seem to care? I see things and feel a pain in my heart from where the fake good memories used to be. I’m grateful to have escaped, otherwise I wouldn’t have noticed how horrible all your toxic behaviors are. I wish I hadn’t left with you, I wish I had been stronger and not cared so much about you. I put my trust in you. I loved you. You also made me feel bad about things that made me... me. Why make fun of how loud I can be? Why make fun of my jokes and say I’m not funny? Why? If you love me, please make legitimate jokes instead of just preying on things that you don’t like about yourself. I feel bad for that girl, I’m more mad at you than her by a mile. I have your clothes packed away, the necklace and the ring too, along with the tie and the birthday card. Everything. I’ve packed those memories away. I cannot wait for the day when I don’t feel the urge to glance at your house to see if your there. I cannot wait for when I can listen to a song we danced to and not feel a painful twinge in my chest. I cannot wait for the day when I can go all day without thinking of you, and can fall asleep with somebody else in mine. Thank you for hurting me so badly. I’m not a crier, but I screamed into my moms arms the night I thought I lost you. But really, that was the beginning of me discovering your toxicity. I never lost you, you completely lost yourself. And you tried to drag me down with you. I am better without you. I treated you with so much care. So much. I didn’t deserve this. I am out of love, but the memories still hurt from where our love used to be. That is what our love—my love for you and your manipulation and toxic “love”— is, something that used to be. It is in the past, that is where it belongs. You lied and manipulated when I all I had done was give you my very best. Goodbye, I hope you find happiness and get the help you truly need.