Unsent Messages

i keep wondering why i come back to this, it's not like you'd see/care but i think it helps...
today was bad, though.. i haven't slept in 26+ hours because of my brother and horrible actions he made, and i couldn't talk to anyone about what had happened, though somewhere in the back of my mind was you, and i thought about somehow talking to you directly and unloading to you because i'm scared, and i'm sad, and i miss my brother, and i don't want my life to spiral like this anymore.. i just want to be okay, i have nobody, i'm so so so tired. i hope you're well though, as i do.. i don't know what to do, my mind is swimming and who even knows if i'll remember typint this out. i'm on meds to calm down, and i've been self medicating to numb myself out but jesus christ i'm not numb, i just have to pretend i am. and maybe pretending that i'm actually sending this to you will help me somehow, and i can imagine you replying back with some helpful words and maybe i'll feel okay. my hands are shaky and i feel like i'm gonna vomit, i hate being anxious over things out of my own control. god. i'm sorry. i was terrible too, wasn't i? i treated you wrong, and for that i'm sorry and i have regrets about the whole thing.. maybe one day i'll stop coming back to this to get out my thoughts to the mere idea of you. i just wish things weren't so rocky, and i wish you weren't so far away from where i am. that's unfair in itself, isn't it? i'm tired now, i need rest if i can get it, cause now i'm rambling like a crazy person and i don't remember anything i said thus far.. but i'll put it out there because i have one life, and today has shown me god doesn't exist so who the hell am i supposed to live for if not myself? crazy, huh? again, not like you'll ever read this because i'm not sure this is the type of "scene" for you, but who knows. maybe the universe is odd like that, or maybe it isn't. reality is strange now, but you're quite nice.