kai.

i fucking hate you. so much. but i love you more. i wish i could do a lot of things differently. you don’t know how bad of a time you left. fuck you for leaving and treating me like your dad. i guess we were both the fucked up ones in the relationship. i really hope you don’t see this but here we go. you were my best friend. we would facetime for hours and hours and hours 10 hours a day 7 days a week. you had strong feelings for me early on and i turned you down by saying i didn’t want to ruin our friendship. but now looking back we did. you were always so good to me. my rock, my yellow, my twin flame. you always listened to me bitch about guy of the week and for that i’m sorry. i’m sorry for all the time i spent with alec i’m sorry you had to watch me and him hookup and i’m sorry for fucking you up with whatever your parents did to you. thinking of you right now is hard on me cause i miss you so much. i miss feeling you and you holding me. even the stupid things like the uber with you and you picking me up. yk me how i glorify everything but this was so genuine. i remember everything we did for together. me loving you got so bad to the point where i forgot to love myself. you had accepted me in my my most vulnerable form, which i still can even do to myself and called me perfect, i think i discovered i had bpd when i was with you. i couldn’t stand our seconds apart. you became my favorite person. and that’s how i knew i loved you. you my ups and downs and you know the little things about me. like how if i’m mad at you i won’t pick up on the first call but the second i will after a couple rings. and when you found out i did stuff to myself you told me to stop or else you’d start doing it to yourself. that’s when i knew. even as friends kaiam i miss you. heaven feels like waking up to your goodmorning texts and doing school with you. and the night we met... i told you not to drink. i begged you to come home. i didn’t know how someone i loved so much could be so mean to me. i knew why. i knew you were upset. so when i told you i liked you just know my heart was racing. just know i was so scared of jeopardizing and losing my bestfriend. i cant lose you. i hope you still think of me time to time. i hope you still remember the way it felt to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me... i know we’ll meet again, that’s what twin flames do. if not now then in another universe, at another time, in another dimension we’ll still be doing school together and laughing till we cry. i’m not letting go of us cause this isn’t the end. i love you so much. i hope this feeling for me you have doesn’t fade. i hope i see ur eyes look at me again soon. cause i cant lose my bestfriend. as i write all this on the last day of 2020 i know tomorrow marks 4 months of knowing you. i’m so thankful you came into my life. you saved me which i don’t think you realize. thank you kai

happy new years i love you so much baby.