Hey. I know that's a shitty way of saying I've been seeing signs about you coming back but that hasn't nothing to do with me texting you this. it's been 2 years since we talked. I miss you everyday. Going back to the memories - it was mostly me yelling, crying, overthinking, and accusing you. I know sorry does not mean anything anymore but if I could change everything in middle school I would but time doesn't work like that. Instead of thinking of myself, I should've thought of you, your family, your problems, and your mentality. I fucked up I could say. But what I did to you in middle school that wasn't okay, I understand if you do not want to text nor contact me. I wish i did things so differently - we could've been us still. I talk to Jamie about you. Everytime i talk about you like if you were still here with me, I remember one time in class - Ms called you saying you drinking too much milk. You drank and drank like crazy because you loved drinking milk all the time - in the morning, classes, and the end of the day. Remember when I met your family? I was so fucking scared because I thought they weren't going to like me, I was shitting so bad. Your mom was one the most amazing, strong, wonderful single mom anyone could ask for. I took our memories for granted. I wish there was a last goodbye. a last hug. a last kiss. a last smile. a last laughter. But if we did those things I would've asked for more because you are my first and last. No one compares you. They don't. You've always been there you know. We did everything together. We were inseparable. Just seeing you smile, your laugh, the way your eyes sparkle, you make the most dumbest jokes ever but yet I still laugh. I wish I could take your pain and give you only happiness but everyone goes through shit that we cannot talk about. I understand. It's okay. Writing this - feels like you died or something but you aren't - you are just far from me. I know I thought different once you and Samanta started hanging out - that's where I started dating so soon because I thought differently. Being with you I never compared anyone so close to you with me but I did with Samanta - I I just. every time she come to see you, it was so different how others said hi - one time she posted a video saying "I was so scared to say hi to you" why? why couldn't you tell me you were seeing her and saying hi. I could've been okay with it. But ever since we broke up it was different. I was jealous. she was always skinny, perfect, and amazing. I get why - I always wanted to be her because she was everything a guy wanted. Ashlee said "your his dream girl" I never believed it because I was a nobody. Hugging you and touching your face - I have found you. I have found my one you know. I could've never love anyone how I did with you even if I was a asshole at showing it. It was different with you. I almost lost my v card with you because I always assume you were the one I was going to lose it too. you were my protector - you were just you. Guys asking why can't I take you out or let's date well because they aren't you. I just want you and you only. I don't want to wake up if you ain't laying next to me. When we broke up - I felt like my heart was never going to stop hurting. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't figure why I body was going to shut down. Remember that one time you walked me home you said "If want a French husband i'll learn how to speak French for you, we'll move to Paris and having 2 kids". How couldn't see it. HOW. I'm sorry. I wish I could remove all the bad memories and me out of life and be like men in black remove those memories and you could've forgot about me. I fucked up. You've always been my home. My one. You always make me feel safe and I was okay. Seeing you every day I the morning, I get butterflies because you make me feel like nothing in this world could make me feel like no other. You always been home. After school every class I had with Fair you were there - to take me home just walking home and talking to each other. I wish I could run into you again and just start talking again. I always thought I'd run into you when I'm like in my 20s - running into you in a coffee shop and seeing you smile and all happy with someone because you deserve that. You deserve to be happy and in love with someone who is there for you and not taking you for granted like how I did. I wish I could say sorry and take action, show you how sorry I am to you but I know that will never happen because you don't want to see me anymore since everything in middle school. This is it. My final goodbye. I hope you are happy in the next life. I am proud who you've become Johaldy. I wish I was there to see all of it. I'm sorry. This is me signing off. Sayonara.