Unsent Messages

hey.

you already know i liked you because i told you last year. i remember the minute i sent the text i frantically text my friends and the the notification popped up that you were typing and i shat myself i swear lmao. anyway um
your response was probably the best response i couldve gotten and you told me you didnt even know if you liked girls and that no one had never liked you before??!?@? i mean hello how...
to be honest i cried a whole lot. i always use the excuse i wasnt asking you out, just letting you KNOW how i felt hoping it would make you feel good :) but i think a part of me deep down really wanted you to say 'no way, ive liked you two. this whole time!' but i also knew that wasn't even likely to happen yikes.
and then i fell in love.
i fell in love with you and your smile and your beautiful hair and your giggle and the way you spoke when you got nervous. it kept me going for a while even though we didnt speak once after i confessed to you. honestly i was okay if i saw you smile with your friends (btw that bitch sucked u kno who she is the mf was crusty as hell i hope u dont speak no more).
yeah anyways
it was months of me working up the damn courage to speak to you and invite you to that thing happening but then ofc corona happened and everything got cancelled and then you werent there anymore
it was difficult really
even when we werent speaking i still got to see you every thursday and that was more than enough
i remember posting long ass paragraphs on my spam about how much i missed you and how id probably never see you again
and i haven't seen you since.
i think the worst part is that i still have such a clear image of you in my head, i still remember your voice and how delicately you spoke, i still remember the time i made you laugh and how i was telling my friends for weeks. i still remember the time you waved at me and i almost passed tf out on the way into english.
even though this is all just a memory now, im still in love with you. i have been for a year and two months now, and honestly, the feeling of my heart swelling when i think about you doesnt seem like its gonna go away for a long time.
but thats okay, because i still got to make friends with you, i got to hear you laugh, i got to hear you talk about what you were most passionsate about, i got to hear you tell me about yourself.
and im really thankful about that.
i hope youre doing okay.
i hope you'll find someone who makes you smile and laugh, i hope you find someone who will get to hear you talk about your interests, i hope you find someone who will have the pleasure of getting to know you, i hope you find someone who makes you feel giddy inside. i hope they love you so so much.
know one thing though, they'll never deserve you, because youre special. really special. i really miss you maddy.
i hope youre doing okay.