Unsent Messages

i folded pretty fast .. literally checking the site the morning after i said i wouldn’t. u say i have good self control but i don’t think u understand how difficult it was for me to not txt u on thanksgiving for the entire day. it was so hard. i’m really lost and just feel like i’ve found myself in way too deep in so many situations this year and i’ve gotten to a point of no return in me trying to tell ppl i just need to be alone / take time to myself because ik the only thing that accomplishes is hurting others and i don’t want anyone to hurt. this year is just a year of hurting for everybody it seems. i was saying to my friend last night that i wish i could just cut off every single girl friend i have just to take some time to myself but i don’t have any guy friends and since i do school online i worry that it would feel like i’m homeschooled w no friends all over again and that’s too scary for me to dive into rn. so u say i need time to be alone and i would agree but the only thing that would come out of me doing that is me hurting people i care about + me laying in bed all day and i hate to say it but for a few months now i’ve been escaping all of my sadness by overbooking myself with my friends so i don’t have a single spare moment to actually reflect on literally anything. and i like it that way even tho ik how bad that is. i just quit my job because that was the only place i had to face my feelings by being alone so often so it scared me and i put in my two weeks and went right back into overbooking myself. catching feelings does nothing except for ruin good friendships so ik u say u wish u could like ppl easily but i think it’s a grass is greener situation. like yk that boy u said u were talking to before he started yapping ab his mental health? y’all were friends and had a good connection and now y’all don’t even talk anymore, yk? it seems like that cycle just keeps viciously repeating for me and it’s not even remotely worth it anymore. you just end up losing everyone and then get their friends mad at u which weighs heavy on ur conscience for way too long. i accept ur apology by the way. i’m sorry too. seeing the anger driven entries was the only impression i had of how u felt and that short little letter where u told me that i’m not the person u thought i was and that i could throw away ur sweatshirt also was the only impression i had so i thought u had like ,, an almighty burning hatred for me. u said i don’t even know who i am but i honestly do know who i am pretty well it’s just that too many things got fucked this year and now we’re all way too far in. i’ve gotten into horoscopes by the way. i’m an aries rising. can’t say i’m too surprised. i mean if you wanttttt you can look it upp bc theyre actually pretty accurate and fun to look into. okay i’m gonna end the entry here