Unsent Messages

Dear Aidan,

You mean the world to me. You really do.

Even if we end up miles apart, I’d still be okay with that if we kept in touch every once in a while. I’m glad that we both know that our friendship is the type where nothing changes even if we don’t talk for months. Relationships like that are so rare and I hope that wanting to preserve that isn’t just one-sided. I feel like you and I have something that doesn’t commonly occur- there’s just a bond that keeps us connected. I know you know this, but I do care about you a lot- not necessarily in the way that I used to, but I still do have that same level, just in a different context I guess. You’ve seen me in my somewhat highs and very low lows, and every time I needed a genuine friend, you’re always there. I can’t stress enough how much that means to me.

Every word you say to me is out of kindness and genuineness, with nothing more than the intent to make me better. From my “involvement” in petty drama to struggling with establishing an identity, you always somehow manage to say the right words. It’s funny that I never listen to you, until I learn my lesson the hard way and realize that you’re always right when it comes to that. Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without you. You are too kind to me, too good of a friend, and I feel like I can’t do anything to pay you back in the same way. I just hope that you actually care as much as I’d hope to think you do. I know, sometimes I can be a pain in the ass. But you are someone I want to genuinely keep in my life regardless of where our paths may go.

I feel that strongly because of a multitude of instances, but one sticks out in particular that happened recently. At our school’s foco, I had a breakdown in the restaurant bathroom from social anxiety. I felt like a shadow the whole time I was with my group, and every time I felt like I wanted to say something, it just wouldn’t come out the way I wanted it to. I know it isn’t true, but that evening I just felt that the whole world’s eyes were judgingly rested upon me. We spent that afternoon getting ready at a girl’s house I barely knew, and I felt so out of place there being the only one that didn’t know the other two “new” girls there. I felt overwhelmed and forgotten, because everyone was so focused on themselves, the foco, and chatting with the other girls that I convinced myself they all didn’t truly acknowledge I was there. I felt awful that day. It was only until we arrived to Tyler’s for the after. The moment I saw you, everything I was ever stressed about an hour ago just faded away, and I physically felt my whole body relax from tension. The few seconds that we hugged was the happiest I was that night. I instantly forgot about every worry I made up in my mind that day, and I knew that the rest of the night would be okay.

You hold a lot of power over me, considering those circumstances. I find a relief in you that not even my friends could satisfy. Just from seeing you, a wave of calm instantly crashed over me and I forgot about the worries I created in my head. Some say that you only get a feeling like that when you meet your soulmate. I know you probably don’t agree with that (considering you’re still dating Lilly), but in my opinion, maybe not all soulmates are meant to be in a relationship. Call me crazy, but I’ve been getting into astrology lately (although I still have a lot to learn), and our two charts are actually very similar. We both have cancer moons, which means that we are both considerate, caring, and sensitive to others. That actually explains a lot, given that you always tend to get me back on my feet and I know I would do the same for you. We also both have the same temperaments, outlooks, and perspectives on life. This allows us to feel at ease with the other, and I really cherish a friendship like that.

I hope that whatever happens when we leave for college, we still get to stay in touch. Even now (and probably even more so in college), I still hope for the occasional snap from you. Although I always feel like I’m the one starting the conversations, I can feel that what you say is always genuine. You have made an impact on my life that I am thankful for, and for that reason, I hope that my life will naturally take me in a direction where I can keep you in it. I know we aren’t the bestest of friends, but I am so happy that we can still have an occasional talk as if nothing has changed.

I wish I could tell you how much you actually mean to me. Seriously, you’ve picked me up off my feet more times than we could count together. You’re one of the few that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. There’s a part of me that still hopes for the day that we would end up together, but the rest of me knows that it would happen if life takes us that way. Please, for the sake of all the things you’ve done for me, never change who you are and how much you care for who you care about. The genuine comments and compliments you give me could only make up a fraction of how kind you actually are.

I appreciate that you continue to apologize for hurting me even though I tell you it’s okay. That just shows me that you really do care about my feelings. I actually find it quite adorable that you still look for forgiveness from me, but I hope that every time I answer it gives you a sense of closure. Please know that you could never hurt me (unless you go too far). I care about you too much to let you go. Thank you for being this kind of person for me.

You mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
One day I will say that to you.

EB