Unsent Messages

i miss you all the time. i don’t know why, if i’m being honest. i know that for a while, you were a great boyfriend, but in the end, when it mattered, you left me. and i know you’re happy in college and with your new girlfriend, and i’m happy you’re happy. i just wish it was with me. i know you thought we were too different and didn’t mesh, but i thought we’re wonderful. you were calm and stable and balanced me out wonderfully. although, now that i’m writing this, i’m wondering if things would’ve have eventually ended between us even if corona had never happened. i’ve been blaming corona for pulling us apart, and i’ve been wondering what would have happened with us if the virus had never shown up, but now i’m remembering in the week before we started quarantining that i wasn’t exactly happy. i don’t know if we were just having a bad week or what, but maybe we wouldn’t have lasted under normal circumstances. i still miss you though. i miss going on adventures and weekly trips to the gym, then cookout, and then driving the Jeep into the forest and listening to music. i miss lying in bed with my head against your chest. i miss having you stare at me with that look in your eyes for no reason at all. sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me, and then i remember moments like those. you were my first love, so maybe i’ll always love you in a way. but i think i’m finally learning to let go. at least i hope i am. because i don’t know how much longer i’m going to be able to think about you all day. i need to get you out of my head.