Unsent Messages

i want to vent it here so i don’t need to message you again and i need my own closure knowing you know this - but i went back to roseanna because i had no one else to go to when all i saw was you replacing me with your exes and finding new girls to try and make me jealous with like a week after we broke up and you can deny it but i genuinely remember my exact train of thought when tweeting those tweets. i remember how hurt i was. i always remembers the days before i left yours and you ipad waking me up bc your mum was messaging you and o opened the ipad and you were talking shit about me to your mum and that was after you’d done it so many times before and we’d spoke about it so many times before it fucjing hurt me so much. you can say we broke up because i loved roseanna but we broke up because i was terrified of becoming toxic because i was terrified of hurting even more than i was already hurting. i broke up with you because we were at the end of a road and i didn’t want to fix it because i didn’t think you had it in you to care enough about me to fix it and because i never felt good enough for you. i was always watched like a hawk and any slip up i made all your friends and family knew about it and it embarrassed me and made me really upset. i know these things are normal but i would drive us everywhere and cook nearly every meal and i pushed all my friends away for you - i remember you accusing me of being in love with some of my friends and it made me feel like i had to push them away so i wouldn’t get accused of loving them like you accused me of loving roseanna. i admit i over compensated sometimes but it was always just me trying to prove my love to you. by the time we broke up i had hardly any close friends left and the only person i turned to was the person i knew would be waiting on me coming back. and i regret going back to her because it consolidated everything you accused me of but it wasn’t like how it seemed. you hurt me so much in our relationship sometimes you made me feel insane and you’d be manipulative by accident and it’d put me off you bc i was terrified of going through it again and i’d push you away or break up with you because i was scared of being vulnerable. in october when we met up i was vulnerable for the first time ever with you because i didn’t care about the outcome because your friends and your family and you already hated me. you broke my heart. i tried for months to contact you and when i contacted you in october it wasn’t random. i messaged you every single month of summer and i even messaged lauren at one point because you ignored me so blatantly. i think you saying you couldn’t get over me was a lie because you are really good at getting over people and you made me feel so fucking insignificant. i remember feeling so disposed off. i sometimes wonder what you’ve said about me but i don’t think i want to know because i think it would make me feel sick. i think now this stops and now i’m done. i loved you shannon i still love you i still want to fix things and i still want to redo it because we are both more mature and less broken but i refuse to be the reason why it’s not going to happen. i don’t beeline it’s about your heart not being ready and i wish you’d be truthful with me but i don’t think you’re capable of that vulnerability with me because you could never be the bad guy. i’m sorry it this is harsh or nasty or anything i’m just being honest because tonight i’ve realised that i’m finished. i love you seriously i do. bye shannon. for good.