Unsent Messages

words could never describe what i need to say to you. there’s almost no reasonable way for me to tell you any of the things i’ve wanted to tell you. i think that’s one of the reasons i’ve held back for so long. yes, i have reached out before... but it was extremely underwhelming with what i WANTED to say.
i just can’t explain myself, and i shouldn’t have that privilege. i hurt you in ways i’ve never intended to hurt anyone ever. never in a million years did i see myself doing that to you, to us.
all i can tell you is i was in an extremely bad place personally, and i let it destroy us. i let myself make horrible choices.
i know it doesn’t even amount to an apology, because honestly i don’t think i should have the right to apologize.
i just... i’m very sorry for hurting you. i am so sorry i let you see that much pain in me. i’m sorry that you had to suffer through the end of our relationship. i’m sorry for the night that you called and i sat and listened to you cry with almost no emotion in my voice.
i’m sorry for the time that you texted me about a friend who you were starting to hate. and i’m sorry for not telling you i knew you meant me.
you do not know what damage my actions have done for me. i cried over you for months. months and months i suffered from so much pain because of what happened.
i slept with the bear stuffed animal every night. i cried on it, i got mad at it even though he didn’t do anything.
i reminisced on all of our old stuff.
but i’ve moved on completely.
it doesn’t mean i don’t think about you, because i do. obviously.
and i know you think about me, at least enough to keep checking my stories.
but i don’t feel the same pain i used to. maybe i should, but i don’t.
i hope you don’t still hurt for it, because i just
don’t want you to hurt anymore.
i’m so proud of everything you’ve done so far. i’m so proud of all your work and all your achievements without me. i wish i could be there to see them, but were both better off away from eachother i think.
i think of you always,
i think of you in every movie i watch.
i think of you every time i see ducks.
i think of you every time i watch the oscars, which i know is a little weird. the point is i do still think of you.
even if you never see this, i hope some how you know that i am sorry.
- ?