Unsent Messages

It's been many months since I last wrote to you here. We weren't even a proper thing when I last wrote to you here.
I am scared of ruining this. All of me is messy and it usually wants to run away though I've never understood where. These days I want to run into your arms although sometimes I am too detached from myself.I am scared that on the days Im detached from myself and everything is distant something will go wrong or be misunderstood. I am, clearly, incredibly prone to miscommunications and it's awful. I imagine various things going wrong in my head so that I can find a way to combat them. When the abandonment-fear consumes me the controller is a nice reminder that you couldn't exactly just get up and leave. I can't imagine having to deal with me except that I do but I can't imagine dealing with me in the way that you do and not the way I do. Honestly I don't know which would be worst. This is a gigantic essay and I'm sorry though I'm sure you'll tell me not to be.
I guess unconditional love isn't always conditional but I have also realised unconditional love isn't the same as staying. I am having trouble with the idea of a 'forever'. Realistically nothing seems permanent enough to stay 'forever'. It's funny because this morning I thought the exact opposite. It's almost funny the way nothing about me is ever certain so I will always feel like I'm lying. Like if I say I'm sad. Or even insignificant things like if I say I don't like ketchup. It's uncomfortable to change so much all the time I have no idea who or what I am.
My heart forgets. It forgot my mother when she left me and unintentionally lied and then it forgot my grandparents when I stopped seeing them. But they came back I know how to talk to my mother and I know how to talk to my grandparents and the heart welcomes them. The heart then forgot more people; they died, they talked about dying so much that I guess to the heart they did and so the heart forgot. The heart always forgets extended family. The heart only knows how to be nice the heart tries to be polite and pretty and then returns to its own life after the minutes or hour of conversation with extended family where it just listens. The heart doesn't know how to exist around extended family- I don't know how to exist around extended family and someday I don't know how to be pretty and polite and talk so I carry the thought that any interaction will soon be forgotten.
Perhaps I am telling you this so it's somewhere, I spent so much time with thoughts dancing around in my head I went crazy and I was angry. I am crazy and angry enough as it is.
Thank you no matter what. I am sorry for everything I will do or not do that will be bad, it is unrealistic to believe I won't ever do anything that will be terrible. I am happy to not be walking on eggshells but still wary about my actions or words ricocheting like bullets straight into the heart.

a.n.b.

boop