Unsent Messages

You were my first love. And I wish I could have been enough for you to love back. I miss you so much. It feels like I have to painfully rip you from my heart, because there’s no going back. You don’t want me back and I just have to move forward. I have so many questions. But mostly I wish I could know why I wasn’t enough for you. All I did was love you. Why can’t love just be enough. I miss your smile. Your scent. Your embrace. Most of all I miss your love. The feeling of warmth knowing that you cared. I wish I could move on but I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe I never will. I just have to live with it. My worst fear was that I would be the reason for the end of us. And I was. It destroys me inside knowing if I was different maybe we would be different. I have this constant feeling of never being worthy enough - for you, for this life, for anything. I want to be enough. I wish I had the answers to why I am like this. I would do anything to change if I knew it meant you would have me back. I love you. And I hate you. I hate you for lying to me and never telling me how you felt from the beginning. Maybe if I knew from that Monday things would be different. I want to blame you for it all but I can’t. Because I know it was me. I also know on a rational level it was both of us. But I can’t help to constantly blame myself and hate myself instead of you. I hate you for breaking my heart. But I love you for being my first love. I’m at the worst point of my life. I don’t know if it’s because you broke my heart or if the anger has been building up since May, sneaking up on me without me realizing. I can’t go on like this. I can’t carry on hating myself. You were right. My relationship with myself effecting the relationship I have with you. How did you know that? I guess I’ll never know. I never outright told you I hated myself. It’s like you just knew. Can everyone see it if you can ? Or did you just know me well. Although, I don’t think you knew me at all. I always felt heavy around you. Like I couldn’t be myself. The terrifying thing is I don’t know who that self even is. I feel uncomfortable around everyone. So maybe it wasn’t just you. It was me. Like I knew from the beginning. It was my fault. I’m sorry and I still love you.