Unsent Messages

just texing to say fuck you. you knew i loved you, you knew id do anything to save you. i gave up myself for you, i did everything you wanted me to. you used me, you took advantage of my vulnerability, my kindness. i was so full of love for you that i had no love left for myself. you took my soul and now its lost. i want it back, fuck you for taking everything i had without ever giving anything back. The lies you spun, the tales you told, fuck you for every single one of them. Because, despite you taking it all, despite all of your flaws and the heavy manipulation, id still tell you i love you. To this fucking day, the love still stands. and you knew it would, you played with that. Like i was a card game, im the joker and your the king of hearts. I tried so hard to help you, to fix you, to be your world that i lost my own. Ive never been so close to someone while wanting to be so far apart. You will be the only, the only person i'll give that much trust to. Nobody knew me like you did. I killed myself after you, metaphorically (i wont talk about the time it was literally). I resented every piece of me because every part had been torn apart and re-written like pages in a book. You filled my heart with so much warmth but everything still felt so fucking cold. They say love fills you with light, paints the world so pretty like you have sunshine for eyes. And for a little while it really did. I woke up at 4am and thought 'fuck, this is what its like to fall in love'. and i thought nobody else could understand, i thought it was a special, secret that only i got to experience. but looking back, i realise everything YOU gave ME was NOT love. none. because i was the one who fell fast, i was the one who surrendered and placed all of me in your greedy, demanding hands. You used my love, you took advantage of it like i was some sort of benefit, like i was an object you could pick up and put down. And, i blame myself. because i let you walk wherever, i had no idea what a boundary was. I was uncomfortable, but i was in love. I sent you those pics i hate so so much because you told me its what people do when they love. I woke up at 4am and realised 'fuck, im lost. i fell so fast in love, i crashed, went missing and you were the kidnapper. It hurts knowing that all i was was a few pictures you blackmailed for, i was someone to make you look less awkward, i was your ticket to fame. im rambling now, i only just realised i will never be able to put the amount of love and pain into words. No matter how many i use, i'll still chase after someone i was only a toy to. i was only an asset, nothing special. you used me, pressured me, assaulted, robbed, violated me. and i lost myself. fuck you for that rhys. fuck you so fucking much. i hope i heal. You only blame me because i allow you to and i blame me to. you only blame me because you dont want to carry the guilt that comes with being responsible to the things you do. and after the investigation, after the 800 screenshots, all the evidence and the bruises on my arms. you asked, 'do you hate me?'.
the investigation dropped, we're only kids. it shouldnt matter, they said. its not love, they said. and i get it now.
because i love(d) you and i hate you just as much.