Unsent Messages

The moment I knew my heart dropped and I sat in my closet crying. I wanted to call you right then and there and scream into the phone never talk to me again because you were everything you told me to stay away from. Everything you promised to protect me from. And most importantly everything you said you’d never be. But I was and always will be so different with you because even if you hurt me more than I thought anyone ever would I would beg you to stay because I need you to breathe … I didn’t want to think of a day waking up and not texting you or telling you every detail of my day that no one else would care to hear. I think the thing is I knew what my gut said but I ignored it because I wanted to do everything with you. I’m angry at myself if I’m honest… I’m mad that I knew what was happening and I let myself slowly break waiting and hoping that something would change when I knew it wouldn’t . You can say whatever but I think that we both know it's bullshit. In all honesty you fed me excuses to comfort yourself , .. because we all make choices , It was a personal choice and that’s your choice and it is completely fine. But I just hope you remember that eventually when you do get bored… of that rush from some random hookup or having however many fuck buddies that the girl who was always down for you… the one who would love you when you were bald… or going deaf cause you were old and even on every bad day… that she was the one you chose to leave. I hope you see one day that I didn’t stay because I was your best friend … I stayed because I wanted to be with you no matter what because you were my everything . And you chose what direction that lead to but I can’t sit here and pretend its ok or that i'm ok…because while I waited for the text that never came every night I also slowly lost myself until eventually I didn’t know who I was… I wasn’t happy , I wasn’t the girl who loved every little detail of life, or who ate without a care in the world. I became someone who stuck a smile on , and who stopped eating thinking it would make me prettier… I wanna fall involve with myself.. because I lost her a long time ago. I hope one day you realize that I gave you my all... more than I ever have. I hope you know that i wrote important things you told me down becuase I knew i'd forget with my memory loss. I hope you know that I still text your friends to check in because I can't go longer than an hour without thinking about you. I'll never believe in pinky promises, or I love you's , or any pact... because we were suppose to be forever and now I know not even thats true. I love you more than I could ever explain. I hope you still stare at the stars and love life's little things. I'll have you forever in my heart Mike B ... I wish I could erase the pain. But I wish you the best.