Unsent Messages

It's like I have all of this love for life, people, and the world but I have no idea what to do with it. I think you know, I'm not good with words, affection, attention, or any of my feelings. I could swear, the words you said to me made me believe that I possibly found someone to share my life with but you never saw me for who I was. I think that hurt both of us. I never lied about anything, I just kept things from you that I know would hurt me if I told you. I don't know how you're doing because I stopped asking for your time and I don't regret it. You were only there for me because it made ME feel better not you. None of this ever made me feel wanted, you just made me feel heard. It's been months, and we haven't had any interaction and it's crazy because I feel like you're still here for me. But like I said before, I don't want to feel that. I cry all the time haha because I picture all the moments we were together that I took for granted. I like to think that we were good friends, in fact, I did tell you things that I have never told anyone but being friends was not enough for me. I knew sooner or later you were going to leave me. If I could talk to you right now, I would. It wouldn't be to change anything because I know nothing was there. I would thank you, thank you for all the feelings and for being my outlet. I would thank you for being one of hell of a heartbreak. Not the kind of heartbreak where I was in love but the kind of heartbreak you have when you lose someone who you thought would be in your life forever. Yes, this is me. I always wanted the best for you and I know that wasn't me.
When I had sad teary eyes in front of a friend and he asked why I was crying. He didnt need to ask because he knew, but he wanted to hear from me. We just went silent. He said "I know you love him, its okay..., you will find another."
I realized I lost someone so great. But with all great losses, there is something to gain, I just haven't figured out what I gained yet.