Unsent Messages

s been like.. four months now? i regret every single thing i did with you. but i would never go back and change it. i learned alot. that summer was one of the best and worst things to happen to me. i’m glad we’re done with now. the first month i was so distraught. i puked in class because what you wrote hurt me so much. i couldnt leave my bed for days and missed so much school. but honestly? i deserved it. i went too far, i put too much on the line, i let down my walls. i showed you parts of me not even sophia had seen. i was a wreck without you. i blamed myself and hated myself for your shitty actions. fast forward to the present. my hair is grown out a bit more, me and sophia see eachother every weekend. we watch movies and visit Lila. i love her so much. i never won’t. shes the best thing ive had in my life. i text caroline every day. we went after Kaylee for being horrible. me and goob dont talk as often because theyre very busy with life but whenever we message its as though no time has passed. i can wholeheartedly say im happy. im content. school is hard but im learning so much and im alot better in math. me and my parents relationship has never been better. i can listen to Jazmin Bean and Lana Del Rey without thinking of you. youve never realized your impact on others. you said losing one friend doesnt make my life bad. you made fun of me for my looks, my home life, anything you knew would hurt me you said. you said similar things to Lillie. you’re cruel. i can whole-heartedly say youre not a good person in my eyes. your words haunt me everyday. goob would always point out how rude you were to me when we were friends. you were never nice. i felt like i owed you obedience because you drove me an hour and back to see you. i felt as though i took up so much space. i felt like a disturbance. i would never have stood up for myself despite what my friends were telling me. im unlearning all these things. im learning that i dont take up space, im not a burden, and people do care about me. im not ugly. im not selfish. youre not any of those things either. youre just hurt. youre hurt because i replied to a comment about a wig. i cant blame you. i wasnt the kindest either. i thought you were so cool, i bullied people the way you did because i thought it would win me brownie points. i put up with you bullying me and my little sister for brownie points. alot of the things i did i did to make myself look redeemable in your eyes. you know whats so weird? i didnt even love you. i mean, to some degree i definitley did. but i was struggling with sophia and you were available. you were a distraction. about halfway through our friendship i realized that maybe some part of me could love you the way i love sophia. so i let myself. i let myself cuddle and hug and kiss and at first it was all a joke to us. but everytime i did anything the back of my mind knew what i really wanted. maybe im a bad person for that. if youre reading this youre probably saying “yeah, you are a bad person. fuck you.” OR youre pretending to be unbothered. youre probably wondering why im writing this. to be honest, i dont even know why. its just nice to get these things out i suppose. to see the ugly truth laid out in this is so fucking long why do you botherahhah cute