Unsent Messages

I'm thankful for what you did to me even though we were only 5-10 I'm not entirely sure how I feel about you still but I haven't quite figured out the concept of love yet so I'm not sure what i felt towards you or if i still feel it. i know we aren't together for the best but i wish instead of messing with eachother when we were way to young to feel anything that we couldve done it all now so i could figure out if im done with you or not. you still pop up in my dreams and surprisingly i still enjoy them none the less. i dont remember much when i was with you because we were so young but i know that i thought we were going to be together forever. but things changed, you changed. you began getting all cocky and rude. first to everyone and then to me. thats when you decided to end things. i acted like it didnt bother me one bit because it didnt but now im older and i realise what ive list. i know you like my bestfriend and it pains me to see how happy she makes you (even though she isnt interested) it still hurts to see thats shes getting all the attention. if i could do it all again i would without a doubt. to see what we had was real or just some childsh friendship. im not sure if i entirely loved you or i loved the thought of you and i know that you loved the idea/thought of me. i could tell when you began to loose interest i could see it so clearly i just played it off but we drifted. i feel so pathetic because we werent even really together but i wish we were. i wish i was a different person, the person you wanted. and if i could i would. but dressing and being how i am makes me happy. i know you think im some complete weirdo now and think im gay for the way i dress. i wish i was back in primary school so we could do it all over again because i know id do things differently. i wish i could restart my whole life so i could go to the same school as you. so i could live a different life be a different person. but everything happens for a reason and even though im not sure i want somethings to happen i know ill benefit from them in the future. i think i still love you and i would kill just to be with you- to feel your touch, your smell. seeing you when you were with her made me sick to my stomach everytime someone bought it up i pushed it to the back of my mind. i honestly couldnt bare it. you arent a very nice person- you say slurs, you body shame and probably way worse. in my mind your you but your not. your who i wish you were. you may have the same looks and the same name but you actually love me and are kind. i think im always going to have feelings for you. i love you