Unsent Messages

It was never about me being ashamed or afraid of anything it’s all bullshit everything I did was a lie...I was scared I’ll admit because for the first time since the split i had felt something from you I never received from pointless hookups and I don’t know if that’s because of the build up to seeing you or if it was because you actually just did actually care...but I’d sit there countless times and think no this isn’t how it’s meant to be it will go bad or she’ll ruin it n you’ll be left hurt again, so I wanted very little as possible contact w u but I couldn’t help but miss you when I’d go (THATS WHY IT WAS ALWAYS BK N FORTH) it’s like I knew my safe place was you n you knew I fully trusted you because I’ve told you things no one knows so I must have and it even confuses me to think “why did I do that if I rlly don’t care like I say I don’t”...if I could place one word on this whole situation it’s confusing no doubt, you deserve an apology for everything rlly you never deserved to feel second best against a girl who’s not even a scratch on you or how you’ll forever look at other girls and think “why does she want me like this” wanna know why because when you wake up I loved the little cow lick in ur hair w/o doubt every morning it would be there that’s why i wanted to wake up next to you or how ur stomach dips at the side, I knew it’s where you felt most insecure but I got you to love it though ? I just can’t quite understand it myself if I’m honest but listen...you’re capable of much better than me, you settled for minimum when all you gave was everything you had that isn’t fair and me n u both know it and I dunno when I’ll be able to feel like an actual emotion n not panic on it or maybe take it easy n see how it plans out I know I’ll fuck it up n everyone who comes face to face w me but regardless off what I do now...live your life for you not me anymore, get married in that sunflower field, have a liccle baby in yellow dungarees, do everything you wanted to w me w someone worthy off doing it w ? you deserve real love and what I gave you was my perception on it, that made me realise that my version of love isn’t fulfilling enough for anyone not even myself so yeah I guess I need time to myself but please please please fucking love urself n live our future w someone else it’s okay...promise ❤️