Unsent Messages

He whispers "Je t'aime" in my ear every night before he falls asleep. I lay next to him with the sound of his quiet breathing in my ears and I wonder if you're thinking of me. I wonder if I'm actually going insane or if you are only a way to distract myself from the fact that I am once again allowing someone to fall in love with me when I know I will never love them back. I fall asleep into nightmares of your face, you on top of me, your hand in my hair, and my nails in your back and your breath down my spine and I wonder if this is what it means to really love someone. I wonder if the haunting I am experiencing is the closest I will ever come to being madly and inexplicably attached to someone. I hope I never have the answers to these questions because I think they would ruin me, I think that you and I together would be the end of me because I would love you and I would stay until you left. I've always been the first to run but sometimes I think I'd like to know what it feels like. What it's like to watch the person you want most in this world to walk away from you without a glance back, as I have done so many times before. Do I love you? Or do I just love the way you could hurt me?