Unsent Messages

I'm sorry for leaving you without an explanation. 

The truth is I was scared. I am scared. I'm the kind of person who is never really there, I'm like a ghost. I come and go. I join schools and then I suddenly leave. I make friends and then I suddenly lose them. I disappear, it's in my nature. 

But my feelings for you are different and new to me - I want to stay put with you, I don't want to disappear from you. 

But then the first quarantine happened and I started to feel like I was disappearing, I was paranoid. I was hurting and overthinking. 

I'd see you talking with your friends online, who I felt were better for you than me and you'd eventually replace me with one of them and forget about me. 

Your messages to me then seemed blunter and blunter and then we stopped talking for a while, I thought you didn't want me anymore but I wanted you. 

I felt I was disappearing again. I felt I was disappearing and I still had all this love for you and didn’t know where to put it so I turned it into poison.

I didn't mean to hurt you and I know you didn't mean to hurt me. But I was also hurting myself, so I had to leave you.

I'm a stronger person now, I know who I am.

But I'm still a ghost and I don't think I can be with you 

but I do think that I love you, and I think I'll love you forever.