Unsent Messages

I’m back again. I’m not even sure why. It’s not like you’ll ever see this... Come to think of it that’s probably the reason why I do keep coming back. To say all the things I’ll never be able to say to your face. I’m not even quite sure what it is I feel about you anymore. I still like you, so so much. But I’m not quite sure how much of that is based on the present and how much is based on memories. Our memories. Why did I let you fall out of whatever it was that you felt for me? I suppose I can’t really blame myself. I was too oblivious, too self conscious to ever see that you liked me back. Even though when I look back now it’s so painfully obvious. We both were. And now... nothing. I haven’t heard from you in about two weeks now. I haven’t really heard from you in about six months. Actually heard how you’re doing. Not just some dumb conversation about a topic that I don’t think either of us really care about, but just both needed to find an excuse to talk. I would go to the ends of the earth for you if you asked me to. I truly care about you so much that I don’t even understand it myself. I don’t know what it was about you that day we were sitting in class, just like every other day, where it clicked with me that you were my person. But ever since that day I have tore myself apart over you. Every single day, without fail, I think about you. I think maybe I could’ve done that thing differently, or I think about why you looked at me like that the other day. Because in my head, every single thing you do or say around me means something. I analyze every single piece of information. Maybe that sounds a little creepy. Probably a lot creepy. That’s just the way I’ve come to be. And throughout it all, that tiny little piece of hope has still managed to hang on, that keeps me wondering “what if he is doing the exact same thing? what if he feels the exact same?” If you were to let the realist in me answer that question - it would be a resounding “he’s not.” I just so miss you. I miss us. You made everyday life that would otherwise seem so boring and repetitive, exciting and something to look forward to. And I still hope that for a little amount of time I did the same for you. I made this box red again, like the last one. I guess I just associate you with the colour. It reminds me of a band you introduced me to. Well, not so much introduced me to as made me aware of them. Thanks for that, by the way.