Unsent Messages

Today you told me he apologized. I'm terrified. I wish I wasn't and that I could trust you and believe what you say, but I can't. I find myself realizing more and more that I literally don't think I'd be able to function without you anymore. Our late night talks with D, our constant I love you fights, random tik toks... it's a connection I've never experienced. I don't know if I'll tell you that I wrote this but... we'll see. I love you to the moon and back but I just don't want to keep living in fear. Subconsciously, I know you'd be happier with M. I know it in my heart and in my mind. I'm just hoping that you never realize that so I don't have to go through the pain of losing the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't say it often, but you truly are my best friend. It's an even stronger connection than that, though. Obviously, still platonic. I think you understand what I mean. I really hope October works out. I miss you like crazy and 6 months feels way longer than it is. I was crying before because of how scared I am. I have the picture of you and M and saw how genuine your smile was... it's almost painful. I know you've never smiled the same way and have never been as happy as you were with him. I'm sorry I've been so annoying lately. I know it's been a lot. You've been the best friend I could ever ask for, but I guess I'm just preparing myself for another L situation. I know you're different. I know. Believe me. We have an even stronger connection than I had with her. But it still doesn't stop the bad thoughts from crossing my mind about M taking my place, because that's what I foresee. Regardless, no matter how many times I say it no words can describe how much I love you. -M
PS Please don't make this a one word response if I decide to actually tell you this took 15 minutes to type on my laptop