Unsent Messages

hey ava. i thought i was over you but then every once in a while a random memory will come up, and i'm sad again. she said i needed closure, so here i am typing a message to u on this strange website, a message i'll forget about eventually, a message you'll probably never see. we met in 8th grade. i knew who you were in 7th, and u knew who i was, but we didn't become friends until we had science together. the ease in which you started conversations, your complete lack of care for what people thought of you, and your infectious laugh immediately drew me in. i guess after years and years of fake friends, it was refreshing to have someone so genuine and real. we became close so fast, we just clicked right away?? i think things got a little rocky when i dated that guy. you two met and became close because of that, and i constantly got jealous with how close u two were. i know realize it's because i liked u, not him. i hated that u guys were number one best friends on snap, i hated that you would text him while u and i hung out, i hated that he made u laugh. i broke up with him, and came out. you know, you were the third person i ever told i was gay. funny how the first people i told are people i don't talk to anymore. it's weird how fast things can change isn't it? after we broke up, you two became so so so close. you would bring him food, skip class to hang out, and just be with each other 24/7. god, i was so pissed about that. honestly i still think that was really fucked up of u, but of course i now know i was mad for other reasons than i thought. school ended, and summer began. we got so close. we texted everyday, from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to bed. you just understood me better than anyone else i had ever met. i could be weird and honest with u. i often wonder how much u remember. we would always joke about dating, about u being gay, about us kissing to find out once and for all. little did i know that would end up actually happening. you slept over, and we cuddled while watching a movie and i just felt so safe in your arms. i didn't even realize i liked u until u kissed me. u were my first ever kiss and it was so surprising and exciting and i was just so happy existing in that moment. we fell asleep spooning, and u fell asleep. honestly i don't know how u did. i stayed uo most of the night in shock, trying to figure out what happened and what this meant for me, for u, for us. in the morning, we acted like nothing even happened, although we both knew. i texted u about it after u left, and that was the moment everything went downhill. how do u cope with the fact that ur best friend, the girl u like and who took ur first kiss, just told u that she was straight and didn't even like u. i cried. like a lot. u cried too, and got so stressed u threw up. we were both a mess. i didn't wanna lose u as a friend, but u broke my heart. things eventually got back to us texting a lot, but they were never the same. there was no playful flirting, no off handed gay jokes. we went to the mall together that one time in an attempt to make things normal. it was so fucking awkward. when i went in the dressig room with u, when we saw the gay pride stuff at hot topic, i literally wanted to die. after that, i kept getting jealous with how much u hung out with abby, and u kept lying about hanging out with that guy. i knew what we had was over, but i kept pushing. we slowly stopped talking, we got in fights, made up, got in another fight, until eventually we just stopped talking. i haven't texted u in over a year at this point, and the last i heard from u was when he texted me to say u called me a fag (that's cute but weren't u the one who kissed me?) anyways sometimes i still think about u. you've changed, like so much. u bleached ur hair, u wear mascara now, u care so much about looks and ur image, i never thought this was how things would end between us, or that you'd turn out this way. i guess i sorta miss what we had? i definetley want nothing to do with how u are now, but sometimes i watch our vlogs, or read our text messages and get sad. u were a huge part of my life, and i don't think i ever got the closure i needed. i think i'll smash ur snowglobe and that'll help haha. i used to wish bad things on u, but honestly now i'm like 90% over it. i really do want the best for u. i hope u find someone that makes u happy, and i hope u learn how to be nice to urself and others. bye ava, maybe we'll meet again in another life, although i believe your part in my life has ended.