Unsent Messages

dearest nick, i still love u. i know u think ive outgrown u, but i havent, u r in my thoughts every second of the day. ur voice still makes me melt. do you remember when i was drunk and i told u u were the only emotion i felt? thats still true, its always back to u. i know im going to sound naive, i know im going to sound ridiculous because u were my first relationship, but i promise u entirely: i saw the moon and everything i love about it in ur eyes, and ill love u until i am incapable of loving anything anymore. ur existence is art. im sorry that i changed so much in an effort to feel enough for u. i think that me and u, we're charlie and astrid. my whole life people have wanted me to be what they want from me. u loved me for who i was, u let me have the freedom to be myself, thank you for that. i write letters to u everyday that will never reach u. i just want u to know that i would have never left. i promise. i would have loved to live in that shitty apartment u keep talking about. i would love nothing more than to live life knowing that whatever happened, i always had u to go back to. i would go anywhere with u, because, its u. is that song about me? the one where u seemed to replace my name with coraline? i hope it is. i just want u to know that i adore everything about ur particular arrangement of atoms and stardust. i told u about how we come from stardust when we first met, and meeting u, i felt like id finally come home after searching for it for so long, and i still feel that way. ur love was my home. please let me come home. i wish ud call me that stupid pet name again, i know i hate them and i know its hard for me to show affection, but ur the only person whos affection made me safe, ur still my safe space, i miss when u called me worm u stupid dork. i am still infatuated with everything about u, the way u speak, the way u think, the way u smile, the way ur eyes look when ur sleepy, the way that u exist. my words could never explain my love for u, i would love to hold u and kiss ur freckles and tell u how much i adore u for the rest of eternity until we dissolved into a lake of splendor i still want to drink cafe au lait with u. i can wait for u to feel safe again, but ill always be here. truly, I don't mind. I'm all yours if you're all mine. (im sorry it wasnt ur favorite color, it felt more accurate to how ur love for me made me feel)