Unsent Messages

oh noah. where do i even start.....i remember the night we met so vividly, almost as if it were yesterday. i’m not gonna go into detail just in case you see this because that would be embarrassing asf. but what i will say is i remember how i felt about you that night. i had never really felt this feeling before. i had only known you for a couple hours, but i somehow felt so connected to you, it was uncanny. it was funny too because i only met you due to a random change. it’s like everything in the universe lined up just right that night. and that’s when it all started. but you already know that. i’m not going to waste my time in saying what i’ve already said to you. instead, i’ll say what i never did. what i maybe should have.... noah, i wish you would’ve realized that your actions and your words hurt people. not even just me either. even if you meant well, it still hurt. it’s funny that you said that i was never honest with you, but you were never honest with me. you kept dragging me along a string wrapping me around your finger and just playing around with me. that was not okay. you know at one point (you were probably heavily under the influence so idek if you remember) you even blatantly lied and told me that you used to have feelings for me. i don’t know what made you think that was ok, because it absolutely wasn’t. do you know how that made me feel? thinking that the person that i had feelings for used to have similar feelings for me, but they were now gone, extinguished, finite...that felt like pure emotional ANGONY. it made me go back and regret absolutely everything. it made me cry relentlessly for hours. you know what else wasn’t ok? knowing how i felt about you but still saying the things you said. i don’t care if you didn’t know how serious it was to me. i don’t care if you were drunk. i don’t care if you were high. you never should’ve said those things to me. i’m not even going to bring it up because it’s honestly embarrassing to think about. i can vividly remember all the countless nights where i scrolled back between our texts looking at them thinking about what could’ve been... but in reality nothing could’ve been bc it was all a random lie... kind of like most of the things you say. i remember after the truth came out and we weren’t friends anymore even in the slightest how torn and devastated i was. i had just shown you my biggest emotional hole, and then i gave myself closure by ending our friendship. and what did you do? you saw that hole and shoved a knife right through it. when i think of the most hurtful words someone has said to me, i think of what you said to me. again, i’m not gonna go into detail about what that is in case you do see this, but still if you are i hope you think it’s about you because it is. then when you just randomly changed your mind, of course i came running back as your loyal friend. but i wasn’t even your friend was i? all i was to you was an ego booster. then just like that things were back to how they were. except they weren’t bc my feelings were now in the open, and you just weren’t the same with me. i remember seeing you be with someone. let’s call them billy. ugly fat gorilla looking billy. i hate him omg. anyways... i remember finding out about the two of you and that you even kissed. ngl that really just completely hurt, and still kinda does even to this day. i don’t blame you for that tho bc you have a life and are entitled to do whatever you like with whoever you like. but i just decided to stay and wait. i knew i wasn’t enough (i was reminded everyday) but i still stayed. that was a dumb mistake. fast forward a couple months after the last time we had a real conversation. i remember i asked if we were still friends. again, not gonna say what you said in case you see this, but it wasn’t a yes. we never talked again. at least that’s how i wish it stayed. i was able to move on from you quite easily actually ngl. i looked through all our old texts. i saw you completely losing all interest in our friendship or connection or whatever. so i just deleted everything and told myself that i couldn’t do this to myself anymore. so i didn’t. fast forward to the present after you randomly talked again. i felt nothing at first. i was still rly proud of how easily i got over whatever stupid feelings for you. then i got all these weird feelings. that weird feeling in my stomach that i used to get from you when i was sad or when you were out making out with fat gorillas. then i started to remember everything. and i missed it. and i wanted it. at first i told myself i just missed the way it used to be but that i didn’t actually miss you. i was just in love with a feeling. in a way that was true, but also not really. i was in love not only with the feeling of love, but with you. not present you...the memory of you. for a few days i had these gut wrenching sadness moments where my heart just completely ached for you. not you in the present tense, but the you in the past who told me he cared about me and that he would be there for me. then i kinda started wanting you in the present and started like liking you again, but since then i’ve realized that i was just holding onto something that no longer exists. i was holding on to the memory of you, the past version of you, something that hasn’t existed in a long time, and that maybe never has. and i just can’t do that anymore. tbh i’m too good for that that. wow i rly made that so much deeper than it needed to be. anyways if you see this um idk. i wish that i could stay right there in the past with you forever, but i promise you that i will always remember. do i still care about you greatly? of course because i’m just that amazing and loyal lol. i still have feelings, that i’m not really over, but i’m ready to move on from. permanently this time. if by some strange reason you suddenly had feelings for me now i can honestly say that idek what i would do. that’s a big step for me. at one point i wouldve literally died just to be your señorita. but now...not so much. now what i want isn’t you. what i want is someone that makes me happy. not someone who texts me when they’re bored and alone at midnight. so thanks for coming into this chapter, for the ultimate closure and the ultimate goodbye. goodbye, noah. oh before you go listen to “django” by samia. it makes me think of you. listen to “love is not enough” by wet. i always think of a fast montage of the memories (mostly a compilation of hugs and little fun times) and feelings during that long instrumental bridge. bye.